I miss my husband.

I miss my husband. I really really do. This may sound weird since I saw him at 6:35 this morning and will be seeing him by 5:45 tonight. But, I experience this phenomenon after every vacation or trip we take together. We just got back from a 9 day holiday trip where we spent every single day together. And, I enjoyed every minute of it. I’m surrounded daily by people who can’t stand to be around their spouses more than they have to. By family members who have been jaded by cheating spouses and spouses who absolutely cannot meet their emotional needs. Yet, I feel 100% completely satisfied, happy, and content in my relationship. I see my trust for my spouse growing stronger everyday. And after getting so much one on one time with him…I find these 9-10 hours a day that we must be separated from each other very hard to get used to. And so I say again, I miss my husband.

To be honest, sometimes I find this growing trust frightening. Sometimes I look at him, my heart swells with love and pride and joy and then I find myself catching my breath and saying “it won’t last like this.” I hate that the world has jaded me into thinking this way. I truly want to believe in us. I want my nieces and nephews and siblings to see that unconditional love can exist. It’s not always easy and it takes a lot of acceptance of each others shortcomings, but in the end, it can exist. But I will admit, I have my moments where I think “will they all be pointing and saying ‘we told you so?’ one day?” I sincerely hope not.

We are almost to the point of starting a family. I find myself overcome with joy at the idea of bringing a little person, some of me, some of him into our lives. I hope that this little person will have his eyes, his heart, his unbelievable capacity to see the best in people. I also fear that this could be the wedge that drives us apart. It’s what I’ve always heard “kids change everything.” No doubt they do. They make life much harder, but more joyful as well. When I find myself worrying about what having kids will do to our undeniably strong bond, I remind myself of what some said when we got married. “Everything changes once you say I Do.” They were right I guess…things got even better. But I don’t think that’s what those naysayers meant. I’ve heard “you’ll hate your first year of marriage.” Not so for me, I’ve loved every minute since I walked down that aisle as a married woman, arm-in-arm with my best friend. “Traveling with your spouse will be the hardest experience”. Well, as outlined above, I’ve obviously found that to be completely opposite of the truth. “You’re still happy because you are still newlyweds”. Well, we are coming up on 4 years together, 1year and 7 months of those married and I find myself possibly happier than ever. So, when I hear those little whisperings in my head that say “maybe having a kid will ruin everything” I will remember that we’ve proven them wrong. No doubt life will be more difficult as a family instead of a couple. But, I believe that with my best friend by my side we will come out happier than ever before.

So, I finally started reading a little gem of a book that a friend gave me for my birthday. It’s called “thin from within” and talks about making small changes that help you to change your lifestyle. One of the things the author suggests is that you take some time to say thanks for your meal before you eat it. Before any food you put in your mouth in fact. I’m not a praying person, but I did like the idea. It’s mostly about slowing down and saying to yourself “I’m going to eat this to help my body perform” rather than just mindlessly scarfing the food down. I used it today at lunch and it really did slow me down. I’m going to try and make it a habit.

Wow, it's been more than a month since I blogged. Weight is the same. 324.4 this morning. A good friend is considering weight loss surgery. I spent some time with my mom this weekend. I saw my very very pregnant sister this weekend. It has my mind churning.

Here's an email I wrote to the friend who's considering surgery. I think it sums up where I am right now.

"After we talked I went and got out my crafting supplies and a bunch of baby pictures of me and A. I made a bunch of signs that say "299" in big block letters and then I put a baby picture of A and a baby picture of me on each one. I hung one in the bathroom on the mirror, one in the laundry room (that's where my scale is), one on the fridge (cleaned everything else off the fridge so it'd be impossible to miss) and one in the pantry. They are about 6"x6" big. Then I also made one about the size of a dollar bill and put that in my wallet in front of my money. I made one the size of my credit card and put that in my wallet in front of my credit card. I plan to make one to put in my suitcase for my next trip (and probably bring tape to hang in on the door for when I leave my hotel room). I also had a long talk with A last night. I told him everything I had told you. Basically that I do not want to end up in the situation my mom is in and the longer I avoid surgery, the closer I come to being in her situation. If I am going to have the surgery I need to have it while I'm young rather than waiting until I'm in my 40's. So, I told him that the purpose of the signs is to remind me of my goal (299 is about a 26 pound loss) and of my main motivation (to have kids). I told him that if I don't make something happen then I am going to seriously evaluate the surgical route. He was completely supportive (of coures, I swear he's the best husband on earth) and said that he wants to start getting in shape again as well. Unfortunately between now and Christmas he's on a special project for work and has to leave the house by 6:15 so before work exercise together is not going to happen. But, we are both committed to focusing on maintaining during the rest of December and re-introducing exercise when we come home. Also, I'm committed to trying to work in at least 2 days of exercise next week before our trip.

I definitely have not ruled out surgery as a possible path for myself. I just want to give myself one more opportunity to prove to myself that I can do this. I'm concentrating on 299 because it is a doable goal and its not so overwhelming. 26 pounds is not even 10% of my body weight. If I can't make this happen for the sake of my future kids and my future self as a mom, then maybe surgery is the best route for me, you know? Right now, those little motivational tools are helping. When my stomach started growling at 10:15 I opened up my wallet and looked at one. I did the same thing before I walked into the cafeteria to buy my lunch. I hope that they do not lose their power and that I can make something happen. I do want to change my life."

Monday, Monday

I haven’t written in a while. Things have been all over the place. Today I feel pretty good.

I realized something interesting about myself this weekend. A and I are trying to save money before we have a baby. I wanted to move the date to get pregnant up and A said he’d rather wait until we got our savings acct where we wanted it. He had a good point and so therefore I started working very hard on not spending unneeded money. Our first credit card statement since he said that is quite a bit less than they usually are!!!

So, here’s where the realization comes in. I’m able to not pull out that credit card and buy stuff because I know that something bigger lies at the end of the road…a baby! SOOOOO…why does that same logic not apply to eating? I’m a broken record, yet here I am. I guess since its my blog the point is that I can be the broken record.

Today is a good day. I’ve not felt tempted at all today. I’ve eaten my planned packed food. But last week in Florida was not good. Why? What is it about me that can’t take small steps to get what I want when it comes to weight loss?

I think about something going on at our house. We have had a massive pile of cardboard boxes building up in our garage that needed recycling. I mean, the pile was taller than me. I knew it needed to be broken down and recycled. But, the idea of going out there and spending several hours breaking down cardboard had no appeal to me whatsoever. It just seemed like such a daunting task. Well, I recently noticed that the pile was shrinking. I asked A about it and he said “yea, I’m breaking down a few boxes a week to get rid of them”. What a concept!!! I immediately drew the parallel to weight loss. This morning that pile didn’t even come to my waste. A little at a time he’s making a huge dent.

Once again, my husband, through the way he lives his life, is teaching me an important lesson. I sincerely hope that one day all of these lessons adds up to me actually losing some weight!

I had another little realization recently. Back in 2004, I think it was March, I met M for the first time in Michigan. We went together and had a facial done. We made an agreement at that time that we would get another one the next time we hit 299. That was 4yrs and 6 months ago!! And still I have not gotten that facial! That frustrates me. The highest I’ve been in that time is 338. But, for the majority of that time I have actually been under 330. Which means its only 30 pounds I need to lose to get that facial. 4.5 years, 30 pounds. It’s freaking doable! So, I’m working on my 30 before 30 list and there are two things on there. 1. Lose 30 pounds. 2. Get a facial!!! One will not come before the other. I really need to stop thinking of “I need to lose 150 pounds” and start just thinking about those 30 pounds. I can do that. I know I can.

Depressed

Depressed. I admitted to my husband on Saturday that I’ve been feeling depressed. For at least the last two weeks I’ve been on the edge of tears a lot of the time. The week before I started crying while we were out to dinner. I’ve been sleeping too much. I’ve been suffering with that common side effect of depression: nothing sounds good to eat. So, naturally skinny people typically lose weight during depression because they stop eating. Naturally overweight people tend to gain weight because they eat everything in sight trying to find something that tastes good to them. I of course fall into the second category. I haven’t actually been gaining weight, but I have been struggling with wanting to overeat in a way that I haven’t struggled in some time. I don’t feel like doing anything.

The good news is that after telling him and then spending a good at least 90 minutes crying, I started to feel the clouds shifting a bit. My husband took me out on a much needed and definitely much enjoyed date on Saturday night. We had the best time and I just felt myself perking up a bit. I managed through an entire weekend without a nap (first time since August I believe). This morning I actually packed my lunch. And today at lunch…I actually ate what I packed! And, it tasted good to me. I took a long walk at lunch time by myself. I addressed an issue at work that has been weighing heavily on me. For those reasons, I think my depression may actually be improving.

I think the majority of my depression can be directly linked to my experiences with my ear, so I don’t anticipate that I’m out of the dark for good. I do believe there will be future bouts of battling this stuff. I am very angry about my ear. I waiver back and forth between wanting to throw myself on the ground and throw a two year old temper tantrum to wanting to go to church and ask some believers to pray for me. I just want my hearing back. Unfortunately, no amount of tantrum throwing or praying is going to get me my hearing back. I know that…which is why I am so upset about the whole thing. I am not someone who deals well with being powerless. I’m used to getting what I want. I think its why I struggle so much with patience…I feel powerless to time.

Anyways, I really hope that the next week or two will be improving. Both because I’ve admitted that I’m angry about my ear and I don’t want to have a good attitude and because I’ve addressed the work situation. I really would like to see the old Kelli back and I feel like I’m getting bigger glimpses of her in the mirror everytime I look.

I’m struggling. I’ve not gotten up to workout a single time this week. I’ve set the alarm and then gotten up and turned it off. I’ve had no desire to eat the right things or write down my food. I haven’t binged but I’ve definitely eaten whatever I want. I’m not sure what causes this. I’ve got PMS this week…that could be part of it. I went out of town for the weekend…that could be part of it. I’m feeling unsatisfied at work and very bored…that could be part of it. I’m very anxious to start a family and I just feel like I’m waiting, waiting, waiting..but for what? I wanted to be at my job for a year so that I could get myself well planted within the company and the reality is, I don’t feel like that’s happening very quickly. Still feel like an outsider. The inability to hear in group situations makes that feeling even more intense.

I saw a picture of a thin celebrity today and found myself feeling jealous. I want to look like that. But, again, I am forced to ask myself “do you really want to?” Because I sure don’t act like it. I snooze. There is absolutely no reason for me to snooze. We go to bed at a decent hour every night and I should not need any extra sleep. I snooze because I’m lazy. I eat chocolate…why? Not lazy…I mean I have to search it out. I guess because I really like it? I wonder if the chocolate cravings are PMS related?

The scale is up 2 pounds. I hate to see that. It makes me want to pick up the scale and throw it at the wall. I didn’t weigh this morning because I couldn’t stand the idea of seeing that number. I think why I hate it is that I know its my fault. I used to always say in college that if I studied really hard and got a B on a test…it didn’t bother me. It was when I didn’t even bother to study and then got the B that I got upset. Because I failed myself. That’s how I feel about weightloss. I brought the 2 pound gain on myself. I stopped working out. I stopped writing down my food.

Where is my head? Do I really think the weight will just fall off me because I say I want it to. I know for a fact that this isn’t how it works. I know I can accept slow loss. But, what I can’t accept is knowing that I’m not doing anything to make that slow loss even happen. I’ve driven to work with a heavy heart every single day this week. Today it felt so heavy I felt like crying. I know its heavy because I’m so disappointed in myself for letting this week pass me by without doing anything to get me where I’m going.

I think another thing that has really gotten to me is that my 10-year high school reunion was this weekend. I weight 232 on prom night. Now here I am weighing 324. 92 pounds heavier than high school. It makes me sad for two reasons. Of course for the obvious reason – I’m 92 pounds heavier than high school! But, also it makes me sad because I spent so much of high school hating myself for being SO FAT. I mean, I truly hated myself. I hid out from the world. Heaven knows how I managed to get a boyfriend senior year as someone with so much self-loathing…but I did. I so wish I could go back to myself at that time and say “you’re beautiful, you’re sexy, and someday a man will feel very lucky to have you”. I wish I could stop her from wasting the next two years eating her way up past 300 pounds. I find myself wondering what my future self is going to wish she could say to my twenty-something self.

I turn 29 on the 28th. I’m thinking of doing a 30 before you’re 30 list for my last year of my twenties. Maybe it would be a good way to give myself something positive to focus on?

Next week is a work travel week. When I first started travelling I constantly reminded myself that work travel is not the same as vacation travel and I ate very well on those trips. That will be my focus on this trip. It’s work travel…not vacation. Salads and soups and grilled chicken are the way to go!

Ok, so this is a rambling post…but I think I needed to get some of this out….

This is me...this is who I am...

So, I share this picture because when I saw it I realized just how far I have come. I don’t hate this picture. It’s no secret to those who know me that my butt /hips are definitely my biggest areas. Therefore I’ve always avoided pictures taken from behind. And I’ve always been annoyed by anyone who took them. Well, a friend took this picture (and a few others) this weekend and guess what…I don’t hate the picture. I don’t even mind looking at it. This is me! This is the butt and thighs that allowed me to have a wonderful weekend walking to some beautiful falls and enjoying some great company. This butt and those thighs went down a slide for the first time in a very long time. When I saw that the pictures had been taken my first thought was “oh great”. But…then I took a look at them and said ‘so what…its me’.

So, I’ve come a long way on the path to learning to love myself just the way I am. Do I want to make changes…absolutely. But not because I hate myself as I am now.

Weigh-in was today. Up 0.4 pounds. Not bad given that I flew on two flights yesterday, was out of town this weekend and ate out multiple times, and that I had Chinese for dinner last night! I’ll take it.

PB toast – 330
Oatmeal – 160
Soup – 300
Salad – 300
Fruit/Choc – 135

Total: 1225

Not a lot to say today. Just plugging through the day anxiously awaiting my vacation that starts bright and early at 4am tomorrow! I'm visiting a great friend in NY. Haven't seen her new home yet, but definitely looking forward to it.

PB Muffin - 330
Taco - 500
Chips - 120
DP - 150
Choc - 220
Total: 1320

Slowest week ever? Maybe...

I refuse to beat myself up. I'm not feeling well right now. I am trying to fight something off and my throat is hurting, my ears are hurting and I'm extremely tired. I ate a bagel with cream cheese and half of an OJ. I am now fighting the urge to berate myself for doing it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with my having a comfort bagel when I'm sick. I truly enjoy the flavor. I will fight the urge to be perfect all the time. And more importantly, to beat myself up if I am less than perfect. I wrote down my bagel, cc, and oj. I can still lose 0.5 pounds a week with an occasional bagel and oj. I will probably have soup for lunch instead of the lunch I packed. I will write that down. When I'm sick the things I'm used to eating just don't taste good to me.

I truly believe that its the "i hate myself for screwing up" mentallity that hurts so many of us and causes that 'give-up, throw in the towel' attitude. I do not hate myself. I enjoyed my bagel. I am enjoying my oj. I will enjoy my soup. And I will write down everything that crosses my lips.

EVENING UPDATE: I DID IT!!! Woo-Hoo! I still stuck within my range of 2500 today. I am so freaking proud of myself for not letting the bagel turn into a spiral! :) :) :)

pb muffin - 330
bagel - 300
creamcheese (2oz) - 200
OJ - 110
Soup - 175
Salad - 300
Choc/Fruit strip - 90
Nuts - 170
Cheese - 50
Chicken/cauliflower/spinach - 200
Rice - 200
ice cream - 240

Total - 2365

Tuesday is my new official 'weigh-in' day. I lost 0.9 this week. I've lost a little over 3 pounds since I started the blog. I'm happy with that. The direction is what counts. And, like I said before..my aim is 0.5 pounds/week. So, I almost doubled that! Woo-hoo! Also, I've been doing pretty well with keeping up with my strength training. I like strenght training because it makes me feel both mentally and physcially stronger. Especially when I can feel the pain all day...its a nice little reminder of what I did for myself.

I'm struggling with emotions today. Some stuff happened that is completely outside of my control and it just made me feel bad. I'm letting what someone else thinks of me affect what I think of me. Which is ridiculous. I know that I'm a good person. I may not treat everyone the same, but I do treat everyone I meet with respect and acceptance. It bothers me that someone feels that I don't. Or at least sort of implied it. I don't know.

It also bothers me that this same someone says things to my husband without putting any thought at all into how it might affect him and his feelings. Friends should be more careful of each other. But, this person is currently drowning in self-pity so maybe its no surprise.

I need to let go of my imperfections. Can everyone like me? No. Can I like everyone? No. Do I want to like everyone...honestly, not really. Ahhh...the joys of growing up. May I only learn these lessons quicker than my mom has. Something like this would have her down for days, months, possibly even years. I don't want to be like that. I want to accept what is and move forward. Move forward with my knowledge that I have done well by these people...sometimes better than I've done by even my closest friends. Not out of love for them, but out of love for my husband. And, to be honest, they haven't done so well by us or him. So, why bother letting the negative emotions get me down? They're not worth the hurt.

muffin with pb - 330
oatmeal - 160
sandwich - 230
chips - 120
yogurt - 120
fruit/choc - 90
cheese -50
pepsi - 250
nuts - 150
Rice - 320
Salmon - 275
Green beans - 45
ice cream - 250

total - 2390

You will be missed.

It's Friday! I am so happy! For some reason this has been a very long week. I am so pleased that its finally over. We are going to a memorial service this weekend for my husband's great aunt. She was 100 years old and died a few weeks ago. She was an amazing inspirational woman. She was a teacher and so obviously touched so many lives. She was one of the first women to play college basketball way back in the 20's. She even got to be in a book for that.

The biggest lesson I took from her however was to ENJOY LIFE! I didn't get to know her for much of her life, but I got to know her during what was undoubtedly one of the hardest 'seasons' of her life. She had been moved into an assissted living facility right before I met her. When I met her the first time I expected to meet a woman who was depressed (as I most likely would be after losing my independence.) But, much to my surprise, this was not the case at all. She was living in the moment and thrilled to be alive. She was so happy to have visitors and just oozed love and beauty. She was so excited to get out for lunch with us and ate her food with a vengeance! She ate her entire cheeseburger and fries. This tiny frail woman loved food! When we returned to her new 'home' she made sure to offer all of us cookies and chocolates. Up until well past 95 years of age she wrote letters regularly. Beautiful letters! She put on her makeup and did her nails daily, no matter what. She appreciated beautiful clothes and good company. She loved to tell stories, but loved to hear stories even more! I can't imagine a better symbol of a an amazing human being...she preferred listening to others over talking about herself!

She was a part of my husband's life for his first 30 years, I can only imagine the impact she had on his life. She was only a part of my life for less than 5 years, but she made a huge impact on mine. I strive to age as gracefully as she did. And to savor every aspect of life just as she did.

Aunt D., you will be missed.

It's Finally Friday!!

pb muffin - 320
oatmeal - 160
chips - 120
tikki - 240
yogurt - 120
fruit/dark choc - 90
nuts - 170
Cheese - 50
Cracker/Cheese - 150
total:1420

I watched the Biggest Loser the first season. I saw a counselor...she told me to cut it out. Last night I attempted to watch an episode of this season. I was quickly reminded of why she told me to cut it out. You know...I see the merits of watching people lose weight. I can see how some people find that inspiring. But, when I see a man stand up in front of the world, weigh-in, and lose 6 pounds in a week...only to be asked by the host in a really negative tone "do you feel like you failed your daughter" it makes me want to punch someone. 6 pounds in one week! That is the SECOND week, not the first. The expectations that show creates are unrealistic and impossible for the average human being. Unless you can lock yourself away with a personal trainer and a personal shopper...I just don't think you can accomplish the weight loss these people accomplish.

My counselor's theory was this...aim to lose 0.5 pounds a week. Basically...aim for 25 pounds a year. Lose 100 pounds in 4 years. I think she is the smartest woman I've ever met! Honestly. I mean...we all live by these "must lose 100 pounds in one year or less" mentality. Then, when we have a week where we lose 0.5 pounds we fail like a failure. And we throw in the towel. And the cycle of gaining and losing continues. I joined WW in October of 2007 at 336 pounds. I should be down 15 pounds this year from last year. Maybe a little more. So...I won't exactly hit the 25 pounds in one year goal...but I WILL be lighter than I was a year ago. And, if I can continue to lose a little weight every year and keep it off...well then more power to me...that's progress!

I won't be watching the biggest loser. I won't spend an hour and a half every week learning how to be 'disappointed' in myself when I only lose 2 pounds. Hell, to me a 2 pound loss in a week is a HUGE success!

PB Muffin - 330
Oatmeal - 160
Banana - 100
Sandwich - 295
Chips - 120
Yogurt - 120
Fruit/Dark Choc - 90
Nuts - 200
Cheese - 50
Popcorn - 150
Leftovers - 600
Ice Cream - 150
Edamame - 100
Total - 2465

What's in a dream??

My dream is to work from home and/or for myself after I have kids. I have a few ideas of how to make this happen.

1. Sell stuff that I buy at garage sales on ebay/amazon. Two of the things I want to get into now and see how it goes is baby/kid clothes and books. One year I made over $6,000 selling books on amazon (shhh...don't tell the IRS). I've started watching how kids clothes sell on ebay and I definitely like what I'm seeing. I also sometimes find random things at garage sales that sell pretty well on ebay (I once paid $5 for playboy memorabilia and then sold it for $130 on ebay...pretty good return on investment).

2. Tutor kids in math. I am very very good at math and am a pretty darn good teacher. I used to tutor in high school and I got paid $10/hr. I bet I could get $15-20/hr now.

3. Board people's dogs in a 'home' environment. I have a big basement and have a dog room. I could make flyers and keep people's dogs for them when they travel. This one is one that I need to think more on as I'm not 100% sure this is something I'd really like to do....

4. Now, this is a dream I've never shared with anyone...but, i'd like to be a workout partner. $20/hour. My thought is that I would like to offer to be a workout partner for women who need to lose at least half their body weight. I would love to get a personal trainer to help keep me on track, but the reality is...I don't feel comfortable around those guys/girls. I bet there are other people like me out there. So, my thought is that I would offer up my house (again my basement comes into play here) and look for women who need to lose in the 150-200 pound range and offer to be their workout buddy. A side dream that goes along with this is that I would start a support group for all of these women (that part would be free) where we could meet for an hour and talk about our issues/concerns/etc. I'd come up with some workout routines we could follow. I'd have to make sure that I had a contract for them to sign that indicated that I was NOT a personal trainer and just a workout buddy...but I bet I could get people to sign up.

5. Teach a night class at the community college. Again, my math skills could come in very handy. I really don't know how to break into this business...but I'd like to explore it.
The biggest issue that will hold me back from being able to accomplish any of these goals is health insurance. I'm the provider for my family. Hopefully, my husband will find a job eventually that will allow him to carry the insurance, but until then...I'm a prisoner to the 'establishment'. I wouldn't necessarily have to match what I make now because we'd be saving bookoos on child care if I were home. I totally believe that if you have a dream, you can make it come true. And this one is a real dream for me...so I will keep thinking on it.

I'm a 'make-things-happen' kinda girl..so watch out! :)

PB Muffin - 330
Oatmeal - 160
Banana - 100
Sandwich - 255
Chips - 130
Yogurt - 120
Fruit/Dark Chocolate - 90
Nuts-200
Pepsi - 200
Cheese - 50
Picatta - 480
Olives - 60
Oreos - 100
Capri Sun -75
Total: 2350

Yesterday was one of the first truly 'good' days I've had in awhile. With the exception of the m'n'm speedbump, I'm happy with every choice I made. I worked with my weights twice. I wanted to eat at night and I didn't. I chugged the water and whined to my husband instead (poor guy). I'm quite pleased with the progress. I seem to care again.

I made myself a little chart that shows how much weight I could lose by D-Day (proposed conception of baby #1). I included my final result if I lose 1,1.5, or 2 pounds a week. I was very pleased with what I saw. I really can make a significant difference before getting pregnant. If I stay committed!

I also channeled my 15 year old self last night. That self who was willing to ignore the grumbling in her tummy to get what she wanted. Boy is she strict! But, she made a world of difference for me last night.

On non-weight related thoughts. Please oh please don't let McCain get elected. Sarah Palin is to me an exact replica of G.W.Bush...except she's female. Which may just be more dangerous. Arrogant and ignorant. Oh what a combination. We don't need another running our country. At least Bush had some connections he could go to for counsel. Palin doesn't even have those. I'm truly worried about this one.

Ok, food for today;
muffin with pb - 330
oatmeal - 160
banana - 100
Sandwich - 255
chips - 150
yogurt - 100
fruit/dark choc - 90
nuts - 200
cheese - 50
mexican goulash - 380
olives - 45
1 scoop waffle cone - 385
Total: 2245

I had a great weekend in Chicago. A great weekend laughing until I cried, eating good food, shopping, and just enjoying two people who have helped to shape the "me" that I am. I met two of my best friends from college for a girls weekend. We only get to see each other about once every couple of years and when we do see each other...we have a BLAST!

Yet, (and this happens everytime I am to see them) I obsess and worry and want to back out of the visit before it happens. I never want to go. Why? Because of my weight. Somehow I convince myself that these ladies are going to see me and immediately start judging me for my size. Which is crazy because A-they love me...they invite me...they make efforts to see me. Why do I think they care. B-Yes, they probably do judge me when they first see me. Just the same as I judge them when I first see them. Do I like their hair, do I like their clothes? Do they look older? But, just as I'm sure they do - the 'sizing them up' phase only lasts about 10 minutes...and then its just back to us. So, honestly...I think one of my friends is starting to look older. Does that mean I love her any less? Absolutely not. Do they love me any less because I'm still overweight. Absolutely not. I need to remember this stuff when I'm having my pre-get together anxiety attacks!

Here's the other thing that this whole weekend has me thinking about. I stated in an earlier post that I worry about losing because I worry about the judgement that I will have to endure if I lose weight and gain it back. I worry that it will make it hard for me to see people and that I will just hate everything about life. Here's the deal though...I'm already letting my worry about judgement and pity rule my life!!! If I'm going to let it rule my life maybe I should be more willing to take the 'risk' and just go after weight loss 100%?

I've been spending some time trying to get in contact with that 15-year old inside of me who was committed to losing weight and wanted it more than anything else in the world. I hope I can find her!

I did something else this weekend that helps me to understand that I'm finally coming into my own and accepting who I am. At one of the bars we went to we sat on barstools. I could not get onto mine because I was up against the wall and didn't have any room for my hips. Normally I would have just suffered through basically standing for the entire meal. I would have been uncomfortable and it would have ruined my entire evening. This time though, I just asked to change places with a friend on the outside. When she asked why I simply said "because my hips are too big to be up against the wall." She said "ok, sure." And we swapped seats. And then I enjoyed every minute of dinner...not obsessing over the whole thing.

I do believe I am starting to truly accept myself for me! What a great feeling!

This morning I got up and did my weights. So proud of myself.

Food today:
PB Muffin - 320
Oatmeal - 160
Sandwich - 225
Chips - 150
Yogurt - 120
Choc/Fruit Strip - 90
M'nM's - 200
Nuts - 190
Cheese - 50
Granola - 180
Olives - 45
Chicken - 325
Quinoa/Veggies - 340
Ice Cream - 130
Total:2525

Oh...honestly!

Ok, so I mentioned in a previous post that I am not always honest with myself. Right now, I owe it to myself to be honest. My pants are getting tight. So is my bra. I do NOT want to gain weight. Its one thing to maintain...its another entirely to gain. The scale is only showing about a 7 pound gain from pre-hearing loss days...but obviously those 7 pounds were combined with a loss of muscle mass because my clothes are definitely tighter. When I was younger (all through high school, college, and grad school) I would yo-yo all the time. My clothes would go from too-big to too-tight in a week or two. I would eventually buy bigger clothes. All that stopped in 2005. I moved to Michigan, I found peace in my life, and I got my yo-yoing under control. I can wear the same pants today that I could wear 4 years ago. I had one other instance in the last 4 years where I packed on a few pounds (less than 15). It was after I got married, fell down the stairs, started work with a new company, moved across the country, sold a house, and bought a house all in the span of about 8 weeks. I got that weight off. It is now time for me to get what will from now on be known as the 'hearing loss weight' off. It's less than 10 pounds. I can do it. What it will take is an attention to detail. And an acceptance of baby steps. And an acceptance that it might take time since I do this at a slow pace.

Baby step 1: Write what I eat.

Today:
PB Muffin - 320
Oatmeal - 160
HC Cafe Steamer - 430
Yogurt - 120
DarkChoc/Fruit Stick - 85
Banana - 100
Cheese - 50
Nuts - 190
Pork Sandwich - 360
Potato Salad - 300
Chips - 175
Ice Cream (61g - yes, I measured, need a dose of reality) - 130
Capri Sun - 70
Running Total: 2490

The scale was nice to me this morning. I'm glad it was because I had gotten it in my mind that I would buy lunch at work today because we were out of turkey. I always have good intentions...and usually order fairly 'healthy' options...but the portion sizes are out of control. So I know I get too much. But, after seeing the scale be nice I realized that I didn't want to sabotage myself so I grabbed something else for lunch from home. Woo-hoo! Very happy about that.

When I'm not travelling things are a little easier. I cook dinner more. I pack my lunch more. I guess I'm just a girl who does better with routine.

Today is Sept. 11th. I am so thankful that I was not someone who was personally truly affected by the event with a death of a family member. For me, it is still a heartbreaking day. I can only imagine that for them it is heart-wrenching.

Do I need to be tougher on myself? Less forgiving? I don't know. I really don't.

Some of my skinny friends who've never dealt with a weight problem would say "if you want to lose weight...why don't you just do it?" And while at times that sort of thinking drives me up a wall...other times I find myself thinking..."you know...you are right." If I really wanted to lose weight...why don't I just do it? I know how to do it. Eat less. Move more. It's a simple equation. Want to lose fast? Stop eating carbs. So, why don't I just do it?

You know we're always telling ourselves...its harder than it seems! But, is it? Or do I just make excuses for myself. Sure...its harder for me to workout because I carry a 150 pound backback on my back all the time. But, does that mean I couldn't do anything? No. But I choose to do nothing a lot of the time. Am I lazy? Maybe I am. Why do I not eat the stuff that I know would get me lighter? Why is there ice cream in my house at all? I could say 'oh I deserve a treat' but in reality...do I really deserve a treat?

So now my question becomes this...do I really even want to lose weight? I say I do. I list the reasons I do. But, I don't do what it takes to get there. One time in high school I WANTED to lose weight. I worked out 90 minutes morning and evening. I ate 500 calories a day. I was anorexic yes..but I knew what I wanted and I was going to do absolutely anything to get there. I sincerely miss that drive and determination.

Maybe the question I should be asking myself is "why don't I want to lose weight?" I've been asking myself the wrong question. Why don't I want to lose weight? Well..the main reason that I know haunts me all the time is that I don't want to gain it back. I would rather just be the fat girl then the fat girl who lost weight and then...gasp...tragically gained it all back. It seems like one of the most horrendously heartbreaking things to experience. It's like being a millionaire and getting accustomed to the millionaire way of life...only to lose it all and go back to living on the street. People shake their heads at your stupidity. You shake your head at your stupidity. Everyone pitys or judges you. I hate both pity and judgement.

I think the other reason I don't want to lose weight may just be that I am lazy. I like sleeping. I don't want to get up before work and exercise. There I said it....I'd rather sleep. I don't like sweating. And also...I love food. I like the way it tastes and I like the comfort it brings me. Do I love it more than I want to lose weight? Well...when combined with the fear I described above...maybe I do?

So, I continue to strive to become a healthier person. But maybe I need to work on getting myself to the point that I can truly say, and actually believe myself, "I want to lose weight." Then maybe I'll "just do it."

I AM …almost 30!

I WANT… to live a full life and take many trips to Europe with my husband before I croak

I HAVE … a wonderful, happy home

I KEEP … not a lot. Can't stand unneccesary clutter!

I WISH I COULD … come up with a plan to make the same amount of money I do now while working from home.

I HATE … when people talk down to other people

I FEAR … losing my parents

I HEAR …with only my right ear. :)

I DON’T THINK … Palin is a very good choice to run our country

I REGRET … not a whole lot. Losing touch with a few people I guess

I LOVE … my husband

I AM NOT … very coordinated

I DANCE ... with my dog.

I SING … all the wrong words to every song

I NEVER … eat cucumbers if I can help it

I RARELY … engage in a political discussion with someone I don't agree with

I CRY WHEN I WATCH … Terms of Endearment

I AM NOT ALWAYS … honest with myself

I HATE THAT … not everyone gets to experience true happiness and security

I’M CONFUSED ABOUT … all of the information the financial planner shared with us

I NEED … to get back into the habit of daily exercise

I SHOULD … get to work!

No brain tumor. The MRI results are back and they were negative. My brain is fine. Now I'm just deaf in one ear. Good news/bad news. Such is life I suppose.

What this means is that I no longer have any excuse not to get started on losing again. I'm no longer waiting for that bomb of bad news to drop. Time to get back to life as I know it. Or at least get back to life as it will be now. Without my hearing.

We walked 3.2 miles yesterday. Wow! It felt really really good to do it. My feet were mad at me pretty much the whole rest of the day, but they are not as bad today as I thought they would be. I'm hoping to get in at least a mile and a half tonight. We will see...we've got a busy evening planned. I've also been trying to work weight training back into my routine but I've pretty much been sucking at it. Need to drag my big inflatable ball upstairs to use as a constant reminder.

Food today has been very good. Only slip up has been a pepsi this afternoon. I try to stay away from pop as much as necessary but often find myself slipping on Mondays. I have to admit...when you don't drink it very often, the occasional pop tastes pretty darn good.

My Inspiration

This is a video of my sister's baby-to-be. I find it so inspiring. At less than halfway through her pregnancy, this little bit of magic is developing inside of her. I am looking forward to the day when I know that my little bit of magic is developing inside me.

Here it is...the all important FIRST POST

Ok, so here's the deal. I'm 28 years old. I weigh over 300 pounds. 324.6 as of this morning. I was maintaining in the 318-319 area for about 6 months. My highest ever was 338. Recently...in fact one month ago today...I went completely deaf in my left ear. Suddenly...like in the time it takes to snap your fingers. That experience has been understandably stressful. Hence the gain of 6-7 pounds. But, I'm finally getting accustomed to the whole thing and so I'm ready to get started again.

So, those are my numbers. But, what about me? Me...hmmm...I'm an engineer by trade. I'm a wife. I love being married. My husband actually is my best friend. There are lots of people who don't think that's possible...but for me, its true. He knows everything...my weight struggles, my emotional struggles...all of it. And he still loves me. And he still wants to be with me every day.

We don't have kids yet. We want them. I want to weigh under 300 pounds when I get pregnant. Not because I think its impossible to get pregnant when you're as heavy as I am. I know many people who are pregnant/have gotten pregnant at this weight. I want it because I want my pregnancy to be a little easier. And I think everything in life is a little easier when you are carrying around less weight. Literally. Imagine carrying around a 25 pound backpack with you everywhere you go. Now imagine laying it down on the road and continuing on without it. It would be a huge relief. We will start trying for a baby late spring of 2009. I would like to be carrying a little less in my backpack when we do.

I don't view weightloss the same as a lot of people do. I don't hate myself. So many weight loss blogs center around self-hatred. And how I have to lose weight because of how much i hate myself the way I am. The thing is...I don't hate myself the way I am. My body comes through for me in so many ways. I can do most anything I want.

I want to lose weight only because I want those things that I enjoy doing to be easier. Less of a struggle. My husband has family in Costa Rica. We will go visit some day. We will trek through the rain forest. I'd rather not be the one carrying the 100 pound backpack when we do.

I fly a lot. I hate being the person who infringes on others space. I really would like to be smaller so I can be less of a burden to them. So that the seatbelts will fit.

I would like to wear dresses and not feel 'froofy" in them

That's three reasons for now...i'll come up with more. But I can guarantee you one reason you will never hear coming from me is "because I hate myself like this". Our society has taught us to hate ourselves for so many reasons (don't make enough money, too fat, too skinny, wrong color, bad hair, bad skin, blah, blah, blah). I don't subscribe to that line of thinking. It took me a very long time to get to where I am...but I truly believe I am special for the things that make up ME on the inside. My heart, my spirit, my thoughts.

So, there it is...the all important first post. It's a start. There will be more....