Do I need to be tougher on myself? Less forgiving? I don't know. I really don't.

Some of my skinny friends who've never dealt with a weight problem would say "if you want to lose weight...why don't you just do it?" And while at times that sort of thinking drives me up a wall...other times I find myself thinking..."you know...you are right." If I really wanted to lose weight...why don't I just do it? I know how to do it. Eat less. Move more. It's a simple equation. Want to lose fast? Stop eating carbs. So, why don't I just do it?

You know we're always telling ourselves...its harder than it seems! But, is it? Or do I just make excuses for myself. Sure...its harder for me to workout because I carry a 150 pound backback on my back all the time. But, does that mean I couldn't do anything? No. But I choose to do nothing a lot of the time. Am I lazy? Maybe I am. Why do I not eat the stuff that I know would get me lighter? Why is there ice cream in my house at all? I could say 'oh I deserve a treat' but in reality...do I really deserve a treat?

So now my question becomes this...do I really even want to lose weight? I say I do. I list the reasons I do. But, I don't do what it takes to get there. One time in high school I WANTED to lose weight. I worked out 90 minutes morning and evening. I ate 500 calories a day. I was anorexic yes..but I knew what I wanted and I was going to do absolutely anything to get there. I sincerely miss that drive and determination.

Maybe the question I should be asking myself is "why don't I want to lose weight?" I've been asking myself the wrong question. Why don't I want to lose weight? Well..the main reason that I know haunts me all the time is that I don't want to gain it back. I would rather just be the fat girl then the fat girl who lost weight and then...gasp...tragically gained it all back. It seems like one of the most horrendously heartbreaking things to experience. It's like being a millionaire and getting accustomed to the millionaire way of life...only to lose it all and go back to living on the street. People shake their heads at your stupidity. You shake your head at your stupidity. Everyone pitys or judges you. I hate both pity and judgement.

I think the other reason I don't want to lose weight may just be that I am lazy. I like sleeping. I don't want to get up before work and exercise. There I said it....I'd rather sleep. I don't like sweating. And also...I love food. I like the way it tastes and I like the comfort it brings me. Do I love it more than I want to lose weight? Well...when combined with the fear I described above...maybe I do?

So, I continue to strive to become a healthier person. But maybe I need to work on getting myself to the point that I can truly say, and actually believe myself, "I want to lose weight." Then maybe I'll "just do it."