I had a great weekend in Chicago. A great weekend laughing until I cried, eating good food, shopping, and just enjoying two people who have helped to shape the "me" that I am. I met two of my best friends from college for a girls weekend. We only get to see each other about once every couple of years and when we do see each other...we have a BLAST!

Yet, (and this happens everytime I am to see them) I obsess and worry and want to back out of the visit before it happens. I never want to go. Why? Because of my weight. Somehow I convince myself that these ladies are going to see me and immediately start judging me for my size. Which is crazy because A-they love me...they invite me...they make efforts to see me. Why do I think they care. B-Yes, they probably do judge me when they first see me. Just the same as I judge them when I first see them. Do I like their hair, do I like their clothes? Do they look older? But, just as I'm sure they do - the 'sizing them up' phase only lasts about 10 minutes...and then its just back to us. So, honestly...I think one of my friends is starting to look older. Does that mean I love her any less? Absolutely not. Do they love me any less because I'm still overweight. Absolutely not. I need to remember this stuff when I'm having my pre-get together anxiety attacks!

Here's the other thing that this whole weekend has me thinking about. I stated in an earlier post that I worry about losing because I worry about the judgement that I will have to endure if I lose weight and gain it back. I worry that it will make it hard for me to see people and that I will just hate everything about life. Here's the deal though...I'm already letting my worry about judgement and pity rule my life!!! If I'm going to let it rule my life maybe I should be more willing to take the 'risk' and just go after weight loss 100%?

I've been spending some time trying to get in contact with that 15-year old inside of me who was committed to losing weight and wanted it more than anything else in the world. I hope I can find her!

I did something else this weekend that helps me to understand that I'm finally coming into my own and accepting who I am. At one of the bars we went to we sat on barstools. I could not get onto mine because I was up against the wall and didn't have any room for my hips. Normally I would have just suffered through basically standing for the entire meal. I would have been uncomfortable and it would have ruined my entire evening. This time though, I just asked to change places with a friend on the outside. When she asked why I simply said "because my hips are too big to be up against the wall." She said "ok, sure." And we swapped seats. And then I enjoyed every minute of dinner...not obsessing over the whole thing.

I do believe I am starting to truly accept myself for me! What a great feeling!

This morning I got up and did my weights. So proud of myself.

Food today:
PB Muffin - 320
Oatmeal - 160
Sandwich - 225
Chips - 150
Yogurt - 120
Choc/Fruit Strip - 90
M'nM's - 200
Nuts - 190
Cheese - 50
Granola - 180
Olives - 45
Chicken - 325
Quinoa/Veggies - 340
Ice Cream - 130
Total:2525