I’m struggling. I’ve not gotten up to workout a single time this week. I’ve set the alarm and then gotten up and turned it off. I’ve had no desire to eat the right things or write down my food. I haven’t binged but I’ve definitely eaten whatever I want. I’m not sure what causes this. I’ve got PMS this week…that could be part of it. I went out of town for the weekend…that could be part of it. I’m feeling unsatisfied at work and very bored…that could be part of it. I’m very anxious to start a family and I just feel like I’m waiting, waiting, waiting..but for what? I wanted to be at my job for a year so that I could get myself well planted within the company and the reality is, I don’t feel like that’s happening very quickly. Still feel like an outsider. The inability to hear in group situations makes that feeling even more intense.

I saw a picture of a thin celebrity today and found myself feeling jealous. I want to look like that. But, again, I am forced to ask myself “do you really want to?” Because I sure don’t act like it. I snooze. There is absolutely no reason for me to snooze. We go to bed at a decent hour every night and I should not need any extra sleep. I snooze because I’m lazy. I eat chocolate…why? Not lazy…I mean I have to search it out. I guess because I really like it? I wonder if the chocolate cravings are PMS related?

The scale is up 2 pounds. I hate to see that. It makes me want to pick up the scale and throw it at the wall. I didn’t weigh this morning because I couldn’t stand the idea of seeing that number. I think why I hate it is that I know its my fault. I used to always say in college that if I studied really hard and got a B on a test…it didn’t bother me. It was when I didn’t even bother to study and then got the B that I got upset. Because I failed myself. That’s how I feel about weightloss. I brought the 2 pound gain on myself. I stopped working out. I stopped writing down my food.

Where is my head? Do I really think the weight will just fall off me because I say I want it to. I know for a fact that this isn’t how it works. I know I can accept slow loss. But, what I can’t accept is knowing that I’m not doing anything to make that slow loss even happen. I’ve driven to work with a heavy heart every single day this week. Today it felt so heavy I felt like crying. I know its heavy because I’m so disappointed in myself for letting this week pass me by without doing anything to get me where I’m going.

I think another thing that has really gotten to me is that my 10-year high school reunion was this weekend. I weight 232 on prom night. Now here I am weighing 324. 92 pounds heavier than high school. It makes me sad for two reasons. Of course for the obvious reason – I’m 92 pounds heavier than high school! But, also it makes me sad because I spent so much of high school hating myself for being SO FAT. I mean, I truly hated myself. I hid out from the world. Heaven knows how I managed to get a boyfriend senior year as someone with so much self-loathing…but I did. I so wish I could go back to myself at that time and say “you’re beautiful, you’re sexy, and someday a man will feel very lucky to have you”. I wish I could stop her from wasting the next two years eating her way up past 300 pounds. I find myself wondering what my future self is going to wish she could say to my twenty-something self.

I turn 29 on the 28th. I’m thinking of doing a 30 before you’re 30 list for my last year of my twenties. Maybe it would be a good way to give myself something positive to focus on?

Next week is a work travel week. When I first started travelling I constantly reminded myself that work travel is not the same as vacation travel and I ate very well on those trips. That will be my focus on this trip. It’s work travel…not vacation. Salads and soups and grilled chicken are the way to go!

Ok, so this is a rambling post…but I think I needed to get some of this out….