Depressed

Depressed. I admitted to my husband on Saturday that I’ve been feeling depressed. For at least the last two weeks I’ve been on the edge of tears a lot of the time. The week before I started crying while we were out to dinner. I’ve been sleeping too much. I’ve been suffering with that common side effect of depression: nothing sounds good to eat. So, naturally skinny people typically lose weight during depression because they stop eating. Naturally overweight people tend to gain weight because they eat everything in sight trying to find something that tastes good to them. I of course fall into the second category. I haven’t actually been gaining weight, but I have been struggling with wanting to overeat in a way that I haven’t struggled in some time. I don’t feel like doing anything.

The good news is that after telling him and then spending a good at least 90 minutes crying, I started to feel the clouds shifting a bit. My husband took me out on a much needed and definitely much enjoyed date on Saturday night. We had the best time and I just felt myself perking up a bit. I managed through an entire weekend without a nap (first time since August I believe). This morning I actually packed my lunch. And today at lunch…I actually ate what I packed! And, it tasted good to me. I took a long walk at lunch time by myself. I addressed an issue at work that has been weighing heavily on me. For those reasons, I think my depression may actually be improving.

I think the majority of my depression can be directly linked to my experiences with my ear, so I don’t anticipate that I’m out of the dark for good. I do believe there will be future bouts of battling this stuff. I am very angry about my ear. I waiver back and forth between wanting to throw myself on the ground and throw a two year old temper tantrum to wanting to go to church and ask some believers to pray for me. I just want my hearing back. Unfortunately, no amount of tantrum throwing or praying is going to get me my hearing back. I know that…which is why I am so upset about the whole thing. I am not someone who deals well with being powerless. I’m used to getting what I want. I think its why I struggle so much with patience…I feel powerless to time.

Anyways, I really hope that the next week or two will be improving. Both because I’ve admitted that I’m angry about my ear and I don’t want to have a good attitude and because I’ve addressed the work situation. I really would like to see the old Kelli back and I feel like I’m getting bigger glimpses of her in the mirror everytime I look.