Sep 30, 2008
Tuesday is my new official 'weigh-in' day. I lost 0.9 this week. I've lost a little over 3 pounds since I started the blog. I'm happy with that. The direction is what counts. And, like I said before..my aim is 0.5 pounds/week. So, I almost doubled that! Woo-hoo! Also, I've been doing pretty well with keeping up with my strength training. I like strenght training because it makes me feel both mentally and physcially stronger. Especially when I can feel the pain all day...its a nice little reminder of what I did for myself.
I'm struggling with emotions today. Some stuff happened that is completely outside of my control and it just made me feel bad. I'm letting what someone else thinks of me affect what I think of me. Which is ridiculous. I know that I'm a good person. I may not treat everyone the same, but I do treat everyone I meet with respect and acceptance. It bothers me that someone feels that I don't. Or at least sort of implied it. I don't know.
It also bothers me that this same someone says things to my husband without putting any thought at all into how it might affect him and his feelings. Friends should be more careful of each other. But, this person is currently drowning in self-pity so maybe its no surprise.
I need to let go of my imperfections. Can everyone like me? No. Can I like everyone? No. Do I want to like everyone...honestly, not really. Ahhh...the joys of growing up. May I only learn these lessons quicker than my mom has. Something like this would have her down for days, months, possibly even years. I don't want to be like that. I want to accept what is and move forward. Move forward with my knowledge that I have done well by these people...sometimes better than I've done by even my closest friends. Not out of love for them, but out of love for my husband. And, to be honest, they haven't done so well by us or him. So, why bother letting the negative emotions get me down? They're not worth the hurt.
muffin with pb - 330
oatmeal - 160
sandwich - 230
chips - 120
yogurt - 120
fruit/choc - 90
cheese -50
pepsi - 250
nuts - 150
Rice - 320
Salmon - 275
Green beans - 45
ice cream - 250
total - 2390
Sep 26, 2008
You will be missed.
It's Friday! I am so happy! For some reason this has been a very long week. I am so pleased that its finally over. We are going to a memorial service this weekend for my husband's great aunt. She was 100 years old and died a few weeks ago. She was an amazing inspirational woman. She was a teacher and so obviously touched so many lives. She was one of the first women to play college basketball way back in the 20's. She even got to be in a book for that.
The biggest lesson I took from her however was to ENJOY LIFE! I didn't get to know her for much of her life, but I got to know her during what was undoubtedly one of the hardest 'seasons' of her life. She had been moved into an assissted living facility right before I met her. When I met her the first time I expected to meet a woman who was depressed (as I most likely would be after losing my independence.) But, much to my surprise, this was not the case at all. She was living in the moment and thrilled to be alive. She was so happy to have visitors and just oozed love and beauty. She was so excited to get out for lunch with us and ate her food with a vengeance! She ate her entire cheeseburger and fries. This tiny frail woman loved food! When we returned to her new 'home' she made sure to offer all of us cookies and chocolates. Up until well past 95 years of age she wrote letters regularly. Beautiful letters! She put on her makeup and did her nails daily, no matter what. She appreciated beautiful clothes and good company. She loved to tell stories, but loved to hear stories even more! I can't imagine a better symbol of a an amazing human being...she preferred listening to others over talking about herself!
She was a part of my husband's life for his first 30 years, I can only imagine the impact she had on his life. She was only a part of my life for less than 5 years, but she made a huge impact on mine. I strive to age as gracefully as she did. And to savor every aspect of life just as she did.
Aunt D., you will be missed.
The biggest lesson I took from her however was to ENJOY LIFE! I didn't get to know her for much of her life, but I got to know her during what was undoubtedly one of the hardest 'seasons' of her life. She had been moved into an assissted living facility right before I met her. When I met her the first time I expected to meet a woman who was depressed (as I most likely would be after losing my independence.) But, much to my surprise, this was not the case at all. She was living in the moment and thrilled to be alive. She was so happy to have visitors and just oozed love and beauty. She was so excited to get out for lunch with us and ate her food with a vengeance! She ate her entire cheeseburger and fries. This tiny frail woman loved food! When we returned to her new 'home' she made sure to offer all of us cookies and chocolates. Up until well past 95 years of age she wrote letters regularly. Beautiful letters! She put on her makeup and did her nails daily, no matter what. She appreciated beautiful clothes and good company. She loved to tell stories, but loved to hear stories even more! I can't imagine a better symbol of a an amazing human being...she preferred listening to others over talking about herself!
She was a part of my husband's life for his first 30 years, I can only imagine the impact she had on his life. She was only a part of my life for less than 5 years, but she made a huge impact on mine. I strive to age as gracefully as she did. And to savor every aspect of life just as she did.
Aunt D., you will be missed.
It's Finally Friday!!
pb muffin - 320
oatmeal - 160
chips - 120
tikki - 240
yogurt - 120
fruit/dark choc - 90
nuts - 170
Cheese - 50
Cracker/Cheese - 150
total:1420
oatmeal - 160
chips - 120
tikki - 240
yogurt - 120
fruit/dark choc - 90
nuts - 170
Cheese - 50
Cracker/Cheese - 150
total:1420
Sep 25, 2008
I watched the Biggest Loser the first season. I saw a counselor...she told me to cut it out. Last night I attempted to watch an episode of this season. I was quickly reminded of why she told me to cut it out. You know...I see the merits of watching people lose weight. I can see how some people find that inspiring. But, when I see a man stand up in front of the world, weigh-in, and lose 6 pounds in a week...only to be asked by the host in a really negative tone "do you feel like you failed your daughter" it makes me want to punch someone. 6 pounds in one week! That is the SECOND week, not the first. The expectations that show creates are unrealistic and impossible for the average human being. Unless you can lock yourself away with a personal trainer and a personal shopper...I just don't think you can accomplish the weight loss these people accomplish.
My counselor's theory was this...aim to lose 0.5 pounds a week. Basically...aim for 25 pounds a year. Lose 100 pounds in 4 years. I think she is the smartest woman I've ever met! Honestly. I mean...we all live by these "must lose 100 pounds in one year or less" mentality. Then, when we have a week where we lose 0.5 pounds we fail like a failure. And we throw in the towel. And the cycle of gaining and losing continues. I joined WW in October of 2007 at 336 pounds. I should be down 15 pounds this year from last year. Maybe a little more. So...I won't exactly hit the 25 pounds in one year goal...but I WILL be lighter than I was a year ago. And, if I can continue to lose a little weight every year and keep it off...well then more power to me...that's progress!
I won't be watching the biggest loser. I won't spend an hour and a half every week learning how to be 'disappointed' in myself when I only lose 2 pounds. Hell, to me a 2 pound loss in a week is a HUGE success!
PB Muffin - 330
Oatmeal - 160
Banana - 100
Sandwich - 295
Chips - 120
Yogurt - 120
Fruit/Dark Choc - 90
Nuts - 200
Cheese - 50
Popcorn - 150
Leftovers - 600
Ice Cream - 150
Edamame - 100
Total - 2465
My counselor's theory was this...aim to lose 0.5 pounds a week. Basically...aim for 25 pounds a year. Lose 100 pounds in 4 years. I think she is the smartest woman I've ever met! Honestly. I mean...we all live by these "must lose 100 pounds in one year or less" mentality. Then, when we have a week where we lose 0.5 pounds we fail like a failure. And we throw in the towel. And the cycle of gaining and losing continues. I joined WW in October of 2007 at 336 pounds. I should be down 15 pounds this year from last year. Maybe a little more. So...I won't exactly hit the 25 pounds in one year goal...but I WILL be lighter than I was a year ago. And, if I can continue to lose a little weight every year and keep it off...well then more power to me...that's progress!
I won't be watching the biggest loser. I won't spend an hour and a half every week learning how to be 'disappointed' in myself when I only lose 2 pounds. Hell, to me a 2 pound loss in a week is a HUGE success!
PB Muffin - 330
Oatmeal - 160
Banana - 100
Sandwich - 295
Chips - 120
Yogurt - 120
Fruit/Dark Choc - 90
Nuts - 200
Cheese - 50
Popcorn - 150
Leftovers - 600
Ice Cream - 150
Edamame - 100
Total - 2465
Sep 24, 2008
What's in a dream??
My dream is to work from home and/or for myself after I have kids. I have a few ideas of how to make this happen.
1. Sell stuff that I buy at garage sales on ebay/amazon. Two of the things I want to get into now and see how it goes is baby/kid clothes and books. One year I made over $6,000 selling books on amazon (shhh...don't tell the IRS). I've started watching how kids clothes sell on ebay and I definitely like what I'm seeing. I also sometimes find random things at garage sales that sell pretty well on ebay (I once paid $5 for playboy memorabilia and then sold it for $130 on ebay...pretty good return on investment).
2. Tutor kids in math. I am very very good at math and am a pretty darn good teacher. I used to tutor in high school and I got paid $10/hr. I bet I could get $15-20/hr now.
3. Board people's dogs in a 'home' environment. I have a big basement and have a dog room. I could make flyers and keep people's dogs for them when they travel. This one is one that I need to think more on as I'm not 100% sure this is something I'd really like to do....
4. Now, this is a dream I've never shared with anyone...but, i'd like to be a workout partner. $20/hour. My thought is that I would like to offer to be a workout partner for women who need to lose at least half their body weight. I would love to get a personal trainer to help keep me on track, but the reality is...I don't feel comfortable around those guys/girls. I bet there are other people like me out there. So, my thought is that I would offer up my house (again my basement comes into play here) and look for women who need to lose in the 150-200 pound range and offer to be their workout buddy. A side dream that goes along with this is that I would start a support group for all of these women (that part would be free) where we could meet for an hour and talk about our issues/concerns/etc. I'd come up with some workout routines we could follow. I'd have to make sure that I had a contract for them to sign that indicated that I was NOT a personal trainer and just a workout buddy...but I bet I could get people to sign up.
5. Teach a night class at the community college. Again, my math skills could come in very handy. I really don't know how to break into this business...but I'd like to explore it.
The biggest issue that will hold me back from being able to accomplish any of these goals is health insurance. I'm the provider for my family. Hopefully, my husband will find a job eventually that will allow him to carry the insurance, but until then...I'm a prisoner to the 'establishment'. I wouldn't necessarily have to match what I make now because we'd be saving bookoos on child care if I were home. I totally believe that if you have a dream, you can make it come true. And this one is a real dream for me...so I will keep thinking on it.
I'm a 'make-things-happen' kinda girl..so watch out! :)
PB Muffin - 330
Oatmeal - 160
Banana - 100
Sandwich - 255
Chips - 130
Yogurt - 120
Fruit/Dark Chocolate - 90
Nuts-200
Pepsi - 200
Cheese - 50
Picatta - 480
Olives - 60
Oreos - 100
Capri Sun -75
Total: 2350
1. Sell stuff that I buy at garage sales on ebay/amazon. Two of the things I want to get into now and see how it goes is baby/kid clothes and books. One year I made over $6,000 selling books on amazon (shhh...don't tell the IRS). I've started watching how kids clothes sell on ebay and I definitely like what I'm seeing. I also sometimes find random things at garage sales that sell pretty well on ebay (I once paid $5 for playboy memorabilia and then sold it for $130 on ebay...pretty good return on investment).
2. Tutor kids in math. I am very very good at math and am a pretty darn good teacher. I used to tutor in high school and I got paid $10/hr. I bet I could get $15-20/hr now.
3. Board people's dogs in a 'home' environment. I have a big basement and have a dog room. I could make flyers and keep people's dogs for them when they travel. This one is one that I need to think more on as I'm not 100% sure this is something I'd really like to do....
4. Now, this is a dream I've never shared with anyone...but, i'd like to be a workout partner. $20/hour. My thought is that I would like to offer to be a workout partner for women who need to lose at least half their body weight. I would love to get a personal trainer to help keep me on track, but the reality is...I don't feel comfortable around those guys/girls. I bet there are other people like me out there. So, my thought is that I would offer up my house (again my basement comes into play here) and look for women who need to lose in the 150-200 pound range and offer to be their workout buddy. A side dream that goes along with this is that I would start a support group for all of these women (that part would be free) where we could meet for an hour and talk about our issues/concerns/etc. I'd come up with some workout routines we could follow. I'd have to make sure that I had a contract for them to sign that indicated that I was NOT a personal trainer and just a workout buddy...but I bet I could get people to sign up.
5. Teach a night class at the community college. Again, my math skills could come in very handy. I really don't know how to break into this business...but I'd like to explore it.
The biggest issue that will hold me back from being able to accomplish any of these goals is health insurance. I'm the provider for my family. Hopefully, my husband will find a job eventually that will allow him to carry the insurance, but until then...I'm a prisoner to the 'establishment'. I wouldn't necessarily have to match what I make now because we'd be saving bookoos on child care if I were home. I totally believe that if you have a dream, you can make it come true. And this one is a real dream for me...so I will keep thinking on it.
I'm a 'make-things-happen' kinda girl..so watch out! :)
PB Muffin - 330
Oatmeal - 160
Banana - 100
Sandwich - 255
Chips - 130
Yogurt - 120
Fruit/Dark Chocolate - 90
Nuts-200
Pepsi - 200
Cheese - 50
Picatta - 480
Olives - 60
Oreos - 100
Capri Sun -75
Total: 2350
Sep 23, 2008
Yesterday was one of the first truly 'good' days I've had in awhile. With the exception of the m'n'm speedbump, I'm happy with every choice I made. I worked with my weights twice. I wanted to eat at night and I didn't. I chugged the water and whined to my husband instead (poor guy). I'm quite pleased with the progress. I seem to care again.
I made myself a little chart that shows how much weight I could lose by D-Day (proposed conception of baby #1). I included my final result if I lose 1,1.5, or 2 pounds a week. I was very pleased with what I saw. I really can make a significant difference before getting pregnant. If I stay committed!
I also channeled my 15 year old self last night. That self who was willing to ignore the grumbling in her tummy to get what she wanted. Boy is she strict! But, she made a world of difference for me last night.
On non-weight related thoughts. Please oh please don't let McCain get elected. Sarah Palin is to me an exact replica of G.W.Bush...except she's female. Which may just be more dangerous. Arrogant and ignorant. Oh what a combination. We don't need another running our country. At least Bush had some connections he could go to for counsel. Palin doesn't even have those. I'm truly worried about this one.
Ok, food for today;
muffin with pb - 330
oatmeal - 160
banana - 100
Sandwich - 255
chips - 150
yogurt - 100
fruit/dark choc - 90
nuts - 200
cheese - 50
mexican goulash - 380
olives - 45
1 scoop waffle cone - 385
Total: 2245
I made myself a little chart that shows how much weight I could lose by D-Day (proposed conception of baby #1). I included my final result if I lose 1,1.5, or 2 pounds a week. I was very pleased with what I saw. I really can make a significant difference before getting pregnant. If I stay committed!
I also channeled my 15 year old self last night. That self who was willing to ignore the grumbling in her tummy to get what she wanted. Boy is she strict! But, she made a world of difference for me last night.
On non-weight related thoughts. Please oh please don't let McCain get elected. Sarah Palin is to me an exact replica of G.W.Bush...except she's female. Which may just be more dangerous. Arrogant and ignorant. Oh what a combination. We don't need another running our country. At least Bush had some connections he could go to for counsel. Palin doesn't even have those. I'm truly worried about this one.
Ok, food for today;
muffin with pb - 330
oatmeal - 160
banana - 100
Sandwich - 255
chips - 150
yogurt - 100
fruit/dark choc - 90
nuts - 200
cheese - 50
mexican goulash - 380
olives - 45
1 scoop waffle cone - 385
Total: 2245
Sep 22, 2008
I had a great weekend in Chicago. A great weekend laughing until I cried, eating good food, shopping, and just enjoying two people who have helped to shape the "me" that I am. I met two of my best friends from college for a girls weekend. We only get to see each other about once every couple of years and when we do see each other...we have a BLAST!
Yet, (and this happens everytime I am to see them) I obsess and worry and want to back out of the visit before it happens. I never want to go. Why? Because of my weight. Somehow I convince myself that these ladies are going to see me and immediately start judging me for my size. Which is crazy because A-they love me...they invite me...they make efforts to see me. Why do I think they care. B-Yes, they probably do judge me when they first see me. Just the same as I judge them when I first see them. Do I like their hair, do I like their clothes? Do they look older? But, just as I'm sure they do - the 'sizing them up' phase only lasts about 10 minutes...and then its just back to us. So, honestly...I think one of my friends is starting to look older. Does that mean I love her any less? Absolutely not. Do they love me any less because I'm still overweight. Absolutely not. I need to remember this stuff when I'm having my pre-get together anxiety attacks!
Here's the other thing that this whole weekend has me thinking about. I stated in an earlier post that I worry about losing because I worry about the judgement that I will have to endure if I lose weight and gain it back. I worry that it will make it hard for me to see people and that I will just hate everything about life. Here's the deal though...I'm already letting my worry about judgement and pity rule my life!!! If I'm going to let it rule my life maybe I should be more willing to take the 'risk' and just go after weight loss 100%?
I've been spending some time trying to get in contact with that 15-year old inside of me who was committed to losing weight and wanted it more than anything else in the world. I hope I can find her!
I did something else this weekend that helps me to understand that I'm finally coming into my own and accepting who I am. At one of the bars we went to we sat on barstools. I could not get onto mine because I was up against the wall and didn't have any room for my hips. Normally I would have just suffered through basically standing for the entire meal. I would have been uncomfortable and it would have ruined my entire evening. This time though, I just asked to change places with a friend on the outside. When she asked why I simply said "because my hips are too big to be up against the wall." She said "ok, sure." And we swapped seats. And then I enjoyed every minute of dinner...not obsessing over the whole thing.
I do believe I am starting to truly accept myself for me! What a great feeling!
This morning I got up and did my weights. So proud of myself.
Food today:
PB Muffin - 320
Oatmeal - 160
Sandwich - 225
Chips - 150
Yogurt - 120
Choc/Fruit Strip - 90
M'nM's - 200
Nuts - 190
Cheese - 50
Granola - 180
Olives - 45
Chicken - 325
Quinoa/Veggies - 340
Ice Cream - 130
Total:2525
Yet, (and this happens everytime I am to see them) I obsess and worry and want to back out of the visit before it happens. I never want to go. Why? Because of my weight. Somehow I convince myself that these ladies are going to see me and immediately start judging me for my size. Which is crazy because A-they love me...they invite me...they make efforts to see me. Why do I think they care. B-Yes, they probably do judge me when they first see me. Just the same as I judge them when I first see them. Do I like their hair, do I like their clothes? Do they look older? But, just as I'm sure they do - the 'sizing them up' phase only lasts about 10 minutes...and then its just back to us. So, honestly...I think one of my friends is starting to look older. Does that mean I love her any less? Absolutely not. Do they love me any less because I'm still overweight. Absolutely not. I need to remember this stuff when I'm having my pre-get together anxiety attacks!
Here's the other thing that this whole weekend has me thinking about. I stated in an earlier post that I worry about losing because I worry about the judgement that I will have to endure if I lose weight and gain it back. I worry that it will make it hard for me to see people and that I will just hate everything about life. Here's the deal though...I'm already letting my worry about judgement and pity rule my life!!! If I'm going to let it rule my life maybe I should be more willing to take the 'risk' and just go after weight loss 100%?
I've been spending some time trying to get in contact with that 15-year old inside of me who was committed to losing weight and wanted it more than anything else in the world. I hope I can find her!
I did something else this weekend that helps me to understand that I'm finally coming into my own and accepting who I am. At one of the bars we went to we sat on barstools. I could not get onto mine because I was up against the wall and didn't have any room for my hips. Normally I would have just suffered through basically standing for the entire meal. I would have been uncomfortable and it would have ruined my entire evening. This time though, I just asked to change places with a friend on the outside. When she asked why I simply said "because my hips are too big to be up against the wall." She said "ok, sure." And we swapped seats. And then I enjoyed every minute of dinner...not obsessing over the whole thing.
I do believe I am starting to truly accept myself for me! What a great feeling!
This morning I got up and did my weights. So proud of myself.
Food today:
PB Muffin - 320
Oatmeal - 160
Sandwich - 225
Chips - 150
Yogurt - 120
Choc/Fruit Strip - 90
M'nM's - 200
Nuts - 190
Cheese - 50
Granola - 180
Olives - 45
Chicken - 325
Quinoa/Veggies - 340
Ice Cream - 130
Total:2525
Sep 17, 2008
Oh...honestly!
Ok, so I mentioned in a previous post that I am not always honest with myself. Right now, I owe it to myself to be honest. My pants are getting tight. So is my bra. I do NOT want to gain weight. Its one thing to maintain...its another entirely to gain. The scale is only showing about a 7 pound gain from pre-hearing loss days...but obviously those 7 pounds were combined with a loss of muscle mass because my clothes are definitely tighter. When I was younger (all through high school, college, and grad school) I would yo-yo all the time. My clothes would go from too-big to too-tight in a week or two. I would eventually buy bigger clothes. All that stopped in 2005. I moved to Michigan, I found peace in my life, and I got my yo-yoing under control. I can wear the same pants today that I could wear 4 years ago. I had one other instance in the last 4 years where I packed on a few pounds (less than 15). It was after I got married, fell down the stairs, started work with a new company, moved across the country, sold a house, and bought a house all in the span of about 8 weeks. I got that weight off. It is now time for me to get what will from now on be known as the 'hearing loss weight' off. It's less than 10 pounds. I can do it. What it will take is an attention to detail. And an acceptance of baby steps. And an acceptance that it might take time since I do this at a slow pace.
Baby step 1: Write what I eat.
Today:
PB Muffin - 320
Oatmeal - 160
HC Cafe Steamer - 430
Yogurt - 120
DarkChoc/Fruit Stick - 85
Banana - 100
Cheese - 50
Nuts - 190
Pork Sandwich - 360
Potato Salad - 300
Chips - 175
Ice Cream (61g - yes, I measured, need a dose of reality) - 130
Capri Sun - 70
Running Total: 2490
Baby step 1: Write what I eat.
Today:
PB Muffin - 320
Oatmeal - 160
HC Cafe Steamer - 430
Yogurt - 120
DarkChoc/Fruit Stick - 85
Banana - 100
Cheese - 50
Nuts - 190
Pork Sandwich - 360
Potato Salad - 300
Chips - 175
Ice Cream (61g - yes, I measured, need a dose of reality) - 130
Capri Sun - 70
Running Total: 2490
Sep 11, 2008
The scale was nice to me this morning. I'm glad it was because I had gotten it in my mind that I would buy lunch at work today because we were out of turkey. I always have good intentions...and usually order fairly 'healthy' options...but the portion sizes are out of control. So I know I get too much. But, after seeing the scale be nice I realized that I didn't want to sabotage myself so I grabbed something else for lunch from home. Woo-hoo! Very happy about that.
When I'm not travelling things are a little easier. I cook dinner more. I pack my lunch more. I guess I'm just a girl who does better with routine.
Today is Sept. 11th. I am so thankful that I was not someone who was personally truly affected by the event with a death of a family member. For me, it is still a heartbreaking day. I can only imagine that for them it is heart-wrenching.
When I'm not travelling things are a little easier. I cook dinner more. I pack my lunch more. I guess I'm just a girl who does better with routine.
Today is Sept. 11th. I am so thankful that I was not someone who was personally truly affected by the event with a death of a family member. For me, it is still a heartbreaking day. I can only imagine that for them it is heart-wrenching.
Sep 10, 2008
Do I need to be tougher on myself? Less forgiving? I don't know. I really don't.
Some of my skinny friends who've never dealt with a weight problem would say "if you want to lose weight...why don't you just do it?" And while at times that sort of thinking drives me up a wall...other times I find myself thinking..."you know...you are right." If I really wanted to lose weight...why don't I just do it? I know how to do it. Eat less. Move more. It's a simple equation. Want to lose fast? Stop eating carbs. So, why don't I just do it?
You know we're always telling ourselves...its harder than it seems! But, is it? Or do I just make excuses for myself. Sure...its harder for me to workout because I carry a 150 pound backback on my back all the time. But, does that mean I couldn't do anything? No. But I choose to do nothing a lot of the time. Am I lazy? Maybe I am. Why do I not eat the stuff that I know would get me lighter? Why is there ice cream in my house at all? I could say 'oh I deserve a treat' but in reality...do I really deserve a treat?
So now my question becomes this...do I really even want to lose weight? I say I do. I list the reasons I do. But, I don't do what it takes to get there. One time in high school I WANTED to lose weight. I worked out 90 minutes morning and evening. I ate 500 calories a day. I was anorexic yes..but I knew what I wanted and I was going to do absolutely anything to get there. I sincerely miss that drive and determination.
Maybe the question I should be asking myself is "why don't I want to lose weight?" I've been asking myself the wrong question. Why don't I want to lose weight? Well..the main reason that I know haunts me all the time is that I don't want to gain it back. I would rather just be the fat girl then the fat girl who lost weight and then...gasp...tragically gained it all back. It seems like one of the most horrendously heartbreaking things to experience. It's like being a millionaire and getting accustomed to the millionaire way of life...only to lose it all and go back to living on the street. People shake their heads at your stupidity. You shake your head at your stupidity. Everyone pitys or judges you. I hate both pity and judgement.
I think the other reason I don't want to lose weight may just be that I am lazy. I like sleeping. I don't want to get up before work and exercise. There I said it....I'd rather sleep. I don't like sweating. And also...I love food. I like the way it tastes and I like the comfort it brings me. Do I love it more than I want to lose weight? Well...when combined with the fear I described above...maybe I do?
So, I continue to strive to become a healthier person. But maybe I need to work on getting myself to the point that I can truly say, and actually believe myself, "I want to lose weight." Then maybe I'll "just do it."
Some of my skinny friends who've never dealt with a weight problem would say "if you want to lose weight...why don't you just do it?" And while at times that sort of thinking drives me up a wall...other times I find myself thinking..."you know...you are right." If I really wanted to lose weight...why don't I just do it? I know how to do it. Eat less. Move more. It's a simple equation. Want to lose fast? Stop eating carbs. So, why don't I just do it?
You know we're always telling ourselves...its harder than it seems! But, is it? Or do I just make excuses for myself. Sure...its harder for me to workout because I carry a 150 pound backback on my back all the time. But, does that mean I couldn't do anything? No. But I choose to do nothing a lot of the time. Am I lazy? Maybe I am. Why do I not eat the stuff that I know would get me lighter? Why is there ice cream in my house at all? I could say 'oh I deserve a treat' but in reality...do I really deserve a treat?
So now my question becomes this...do I really even want to lose weight? I say I do. I list the reasons I do. But, I don't do what it takes to get there. One time in high school I WANTED to lose weight. I worked out 90 minutes morning and evening. I ate 500 calories a day. I was anorexic yes..but I knew what I wanted and I was going to do absolutely anything to get there. I sincerely miss that drive and determination.
Maybe the question I should be asking myself is "why don't I want to lose weight?" I've been asking myself the wrong question. Why don't I want to lose weight? Well..the main reason that I know haunts me all the time is that I don't want to gain it back. I would rather just be the fat girl then the fat girl who lost weight and then...gasp...tragically gained it all back. It seems like one of the most horrendously heartbreaking things to experience. It's like being a millionaire and getting accustomed to the millionaire way of life...only to lose it all and go back to living on the street. People shake their heads at your stupidity. You shake your head at your stupidity. Everyone pitys or judges you. I hate both pity and judgement.
I think the other reason I don't want to lose weight may just be that I am lazy. I like sleeping. I don't want to get up before work and exercise. There I said it....I'd rather sleep. I don't like sweating. And also...I love food. I like the way it tastes and I like the comfort it brings me. Do I love it more than I want to lose weight? Well...when combined with the fear I described above...maybe I do?
So, I continue to strive to become a healthier person. But maybe I need to work on getting myself to the point that I can truly say, and actually believe myself, "I want to lose weight." Then maybe I'll "just do it."
Sep 9, 2008
I AM …almost 30!
I WANT… to live a full life and take many trips to Europe with my husband before I croak
I HAVE … a wonderful, happy home
I KEEP … not a lot. Can't stand unneccesary clutter!
I WISH I COULD … come up with a plan to make the same amount of money I do now while working from home.
I HATE … when people talk down to other people
I FEAR … losing my parents
I HEAR …with only my right ear. :)
I DON’T THINK … Palin is a very good choice to run our country
I REGRET … not a whole lot. Losing touch with a few people I guess
I LOVE … my husband
I AM NOT … very coordinated
I DANCE ... with my dog.
I SING … all the wrong words to every song
I NEVER … eat cucumbers if I can help it
I RARELY … engage in a political discussion with someone I don't agree with
I CRY WHEN I WATCH … Terms of Endearment
I AM NOT ALWAYS … honest with myself
I HATE THAT … not everyone gets to experience true happiness and security
I’M CONFUSED ABOUT … all of the information the financial planner shared with us
I NEED … to get back into the habit of daily exercise
I SHOULD … get to work!
Sep 8, 2008
No brain tumor. The MRI results are back and they were negative. My brain is fine. Now I'm just deaf in one ear. Good news/bad news. Such is life I suppose.
What this means is that I no longer have any excuse not to get started on losing again. I'm no longer waiting for that bomb of bad news to drop. Time to get back to life as I know it. Or at least get back to life as it will be now. Without my hearing.
We walked 3.2 miles yesterday. Wow! It felt really really good to do it. My feet were mad at me pretty much the whole rest of the day, but they are not as bad today as I thought they would be. I'm hoping to get in at least a mile and a half tonight. We will see...we've got a busy evening planned. I've also been trying to work weight training back into my routine but I've pretty much been sucking at it. Need to drag my big inflatable ball upstairs to use as a constant reminder.
Food today has been very good. Only slip up has been a pepsi this afternoon. I try to stay away from pop as much as necessary but often find myself slipping on Mondays. I have to admit...when you don't drink it very often, the occasional pop tastes pretty darn good.
What this means is that I no longer have any excuse not to get started on losing again. I'm no longer waiting for that bomb of bad news to drop. Time to get back to life as I know it. Or at least get back to life as it will be now. Without my hearing.
We walked 3.2 miles yesterday. Wow! It felt really really good to do it. My feet were mad at me pretty much the whole rest of the day, but they are not as bad today as I thought they would be. I'm hoping to get in at least a mile and a half tonight. We will see...we've got a busy evening planned. I've also been trying to work weight training back into my routine but I've pretty much been sucking at it. Need to drag my big inflatable ball upstairs to use as a constant reminder.
Food today has been very good. Only slip up has been a pepsi this afternoon. I try to stay away from pop as much as necessary but often find myself slipping on Mondays. I have to admit...when you don't drink it very often, the occasional pop tastes pretty darn good.
Sep 7, 2008
My Inspiration
This is a video of my sister's baby-to-be. I find it so inspiring. At less than halfway through her pregnancy, this little bit of magic is developing inside of her. I am looking forward to the day when I know that my little bit of magic is developing inside me.
Here it is...the all important FIRST POST
Ok, so here's the deal. I'm 28 years old. I weigh over 300 pounds. 324.6 as of this morning. I was maintaining in the 318-319 area for about 6 months. My highest ever was 338. Recently...in fact one month ago today...I went completely deaf in my left ear. Suddenly...like in the time it takes to snap your fingers. That experience has been understandably stressful. Hence the gain of 6-7 pounds. But, I'm finally getting accustomed to the whole thing and so I'm ready to get started again.
So, those are my numbers. But, what about me? Me...hmmm...I'm an engineer by trade. I'm a wife. I love being married. My husband actually is my best friend. There are lots of people who don't think that's possible...but for me, its true. He knows everything...my weight struggles, my emotional struggles...all of it. And he still loves me. And he still wants to be with me every day.
We don't have kids yet. We want them. I want to weigh under 300 pounds when I get pregnant. Not because I think its impossible to get pregnant when you're as heavy as I am. I know many people who are pregnant/have gotten pregnant at this weight. I want it because I want my pregnancy to be a little easier. And I think everything in life is a little easier when you are carrying around less weight. Literally. Imagine carrying around a 25 pound backpack with you everywhere you go. Now imagine laying it down on the road and continuing on without it. It would be a huge relief. We will start trying for a baby late spring of 2009. I would like to be carrying a little less in my backpack when we do.
I don't view weightloss the same as a lot of people do. I don't hate myself. So many weight loss blogs center around self-hatred. And how I have to lose weight because of how much i hate myself the way I am. The thing is...I don't hate myself the way I am. My body comes through for me in so many ways. I can do most anything I want.
I want to lose weight only because I want those things that I enjoy doing to be easier. Less of a struggle. My husband has family in Costa Rica. We will go visit some day. We will trek through the rain forest. I'd rather not be the one carrying the 100 pound backpack when we do.
I fly a lot. I hate being the person who infringes on others space. I really would like to be smaller so I can be less of a burden to them. So that the seatbelts will fit.
I would like to wear dresses and not feel 'froofy" in them
That's three reasons for now...i'll come up with more. But I can guarantee you one reason you will never hear coming from me is "because I hate myself like this". Our society has taught us to hate ourselves for so many reasons (don't make enough money, too fat, too skinny, wrong color, bad hair, bad skin, blah, blah, blah). I don't subscribe to that line of thinking. It took me a very long time to get to where I am...but I truly believe I am special for the things that make up ME on the inside. My heart, my spirit, my thoughts.
So, there it is...the all important first post. It's a start. There will be more....
So, those are my numbers. But, what about me? Me...hmmm...I'm an engineer by trade. I'm a wife. I love being married. My husband actually is my best friend. There are lots of people who don't think that's possible...but for me, its true. He knows everything...my weight struggles, my emotional struggles...all of it. And he still loves me. And he still wants to be with me every day.
We don't have kids yet. We want them. I want to weigh under 300 pounds when I get pregnant. Not because I think its impossible to get pregnant when you're as heavy as I am. I know many people who are pregnant/have gotten pregnant at this weight. I want it because I want my pregnancy to be a little easier. And I think everything in life is a little easier when you are carrying around less weight. Literally. Imagine carrying around a 25 pound backpack with you everywhere you go. Now imagine laying it down on the road and continuing on without it. It would be a huge relief. We will start trying for a baby late spring of 2009. I would like to be carrying a little less in my backpack when we do.
I don't view weightloss the same as a lot of people do. I don't hate myself. So many weight loss blogs center around self-hatred. And how I have to lose weight because of how much i hate myself the way I am. The thing is...I don't hate myself the way I am. My body comes through for me in so many ways. I can do most anything I want.
I want to lose weight only because I want those things that I enjoy doing to be easier. Less of a struggle. My husband has family in Costa Rica. We will go visit some day. We will trek through the rain forest. I'd rather not be the one carrying the 100 pound backpack when we do.
I fly a lot. I hate being the person who infringes on others space. I really would like to be smaller so I can be less of a burden to them. So that the seatbelts will fit.
I would like to wear dresses and not feel 'froofy" in them
That's three reasons for now...i'll come up with more. But I can guarantee you one reason you will never hear coming from me is "because I hate myself like this". Our society has taught us to hate ourselves for so many reasons (don't make enough money, too fat, too skinny, wrong color, bad hair, bad skin, blah, blah, blah). I don't subscribe to that line of thinking. It took me a very long time to get to where I am...but I truly believe I am special for the things that make up ME on the inside. My heart, my spirit, my thoughts.
So, there it is...the all important first post. It's a start. There will be more....
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