I miss my husband.

I miss my husband. I really really do. This may sound weird since I saw him at 6:35 this morning and will be seeing him by 5:45 tonight. But, I experience this phenomenon after every vacation or trip we take together. We just got back from a 9 day holiday trip where we spent every single day together. And, I enjoyed every minute of it. I’m surrounded daily by people who can’t stand to be around their spouses more than they have to. By family members who have been jaded by cheating spouses and spouses who absolutely cannot meet their emotional needs. Yet, I feel 100% completely satisfied, happy, and content in my relationship. I see my trust for my spouse growing stronger everyday. And after getting so much one on one time with him…I find these 9-10 hours a day that we must be separated from each other very hard to get used to. And so I say again, I miss my husband.

To be honest, sometimes I find this growing trust frightening. Sometimes I look at him, my heart swells with love and pride and joy and then I find myself catching my breath and saying “it won’t last like this.” I hate that the world has jaded me into thinking this way. I truly want to believe in us. I want my nieces and nephews and siblings to see that unconditional love can exist. It’s not always easy and it takes a lot of acceptance of each others shortcomings, but in the end, it can exist. But I will admit, I have my moments where I think “will they all be pointing and saying ‘we told you so?’ one day?” I sincerely hope not.

We are almost to the point of starting a family. I find myself overcome with joy at the idea of bringing a little person, some of me, some of him into our lives. I hope that this little person will have his eyes, his heart, his unbelievable capacity to see the best in people. I also fear that this could be the wedge that drives us apart. It’s what I’ve always heard “kids change everything.” No doubt they do. They make life much harder, but more joyful as well. When I find myself worrying about what having kids will do to our undeniably strong bond, I remind myself of what some said when we got married. “Everything changes once you say I Do.” They were right I guess…things got even better. But I don’t think that’s what those naysayers meant. I’ve heard “you’ll hate your first year of marriage.” Not so for me, I’ve loved every minute since I walked down that aisle as a married woman, arm-in-arm with my best friend. “Traveling with your spouse will be the hardest experience”. Well, as outlined above, I’ve obviously found that to be completely opposite of the truth. “You’re still happy because you are still newlyweds”. Well, we are coming up on 4 years together, 1year and 7 months of those married and I find myself possibly happier than ever. So, when I hear those little whisperings in my head that say “maybe having a kid will ruin everything” I will remember that we’ve proven them wrong. No doubt life will be more difficult as a family instead of a couple. But, I believe that with my best friend by my side we will come out happier than ever before.

So, I finally started reading a little gem of a book that a friend gave me for my birthday. It’s called “thin from within” and talks about making small changes that help you to change your lifestyle. One of the things the author suggests is that you take some time to say thanks for your meal before you eat it. Before any food you put in your mouth in fact. I’m not a praying person, but I did like the idea. It’s mostly about slowing down and saying to yourself “I’m going to eat this to help my body perform” rather than just mindlessly scarfing the food down. I used it today at lunch and it really did slow me down. I’m going to try and make it a habit.

Wow, it's been more than a month since I blogged. Weight is the same. 324.4 this morning. A good friend is considering weight loss surgery. I spent some time with my mom this weekend. I saw my very very pregnant sister this weekend. It has my mind churning.

Here's an email I wrote to the friend who's considering surgery. I think it sums up where I am right now.

"After we talked I went and got out my crafting supplies and a bunch of baby pictures of me and A. I made a bunch of signs that say "299" in big block letters and then I put a baby picture of A and a baby picture of me on each one. I hung one in the bathroom on the mirror, one in the laundry room (that's where my scale is), one on the fridge (cleaned everything else off the fridge so it'd be impossible to miss) and one in the pantry. They are about 6"x6" big. Then I also made one about the size of a dollar bill and put that in my wallet in front of my money. I made one the size of my credit card and put that in my wallet in front of my credit card. I plan to make one to put in my suitcase for my next trip (and probably bring tape to hang in on the door for when I leave my hotel room). I also had a long talk with A last night. I told him everything I had told you. Basically that I do not want to end up in the situation my mom is in and the longer I avoid surgery, the closer I come to being in her situation. If I am going to have the surgery I need to have it while I'm young rather than waiting until I'm in my 40's. So, I told him that the purpose of the signs is to remind me of my goal (299 is about a 26 pound loss) and of my main motivation (to have kids). I told him that if I don't make something happen then I am going to seriously evaluate the surgical route. He was completely supportive (of coures, I swear he's the best husband on earth) and said that he wants to start getting in shape again as well. Unfortunately between now and Christmas he's on a special project for work and has to leave the house by 6:15 so before work exercise together is not going to happen. But, we are both committed to focusing on maintaining during the rest of December and re-introducing exercise when we come home. Also, I'm committed to trying to work in at least 2 days of exercise next week before our trip.

I definitely have not ruled out surgery as a possible path for myself. I just want to give myself one more opportunity to prove to myself that I can do this. I'm concentrating on 299 because it is a doable goal and its not so overwhelming. 26 pounds is not even 10% of my body weight. If I can't make this happen for the sake of my future kids and my future self as a mom, then maybe surgery is the best route for me, you know? Right now, those little motivational tools are helping. When my stomach started growling at 10:15 I opened up my wallet and looked at one. I did the same thing before I walked into the cafeteria to buy my lunch. I hope that they do not lose their power and that I can make something happen. I do want to change my life."