M and I are going to do some directed writing to help us get to the root of some of the emotional stuff that goes along with this weight thing. I was reading an interesting study by some psychologists in some magazine on the plane. It was talking about how hard it is for human beings to make sweeping and lasting change in their lives. (Stopping smoking, spending less, losing weight, etc, etc). Their theory is that our brains have an 'immune' system (for lack of a better word) just like our bodies. So, when your body has some change happen your immune system comes in and attacks in order to retain the 'status quo' within your cells, blood, etc. Their theory is that FEAR is what fuels our emotional immune system. When you try to make a change, the fears that reside in the deepest darkest part of your mind/heart/soul rear up and sabotage your efforts to make change. Hence causing you to maintain the status quo in your life and avoid those things of which you are fearful. Their theory is that people need to identify their fears, acknowledge them, and actively work on conquering them.
SOOO...to finally get to the point...the assignment is to make a list about what scares you about losing weight and to then write a paragraph or two about WHY it scares you.
Here are mine
1. Gaining it back – This is by far my #1 fear about losing weight. (Note: now that I've finished writing this assignment I'm not so sure that its my #1 fear) I’ve written about it before. For people to meet you as overweight and just get to know you as overweight is one thing. For people to watch you lose weight and then watch you gain it back. Oye. The thought of it kills me. Mostly that people will pity me. Or that they will say to themselves “geez…she’s pathetic.” Since I have written so extensively about this in the past, I’m leaving it at that. I have no idea how to overcome this fear. As with most things in life, I suspect the result that what I fear is far worse than how bad it would actually be if it happened.
2. Becoming obsessive/compulsive – I fear being “one of those people” who can’t eat blah, blah, blah. Or who only eats blah, blah, blah. That what I eat and how much I exercise will be all I think about. That people will dread me coming because they know I’m going to barrage them with diet talk and judgement. That I won’t know how to enjoy a good party because I will be too busy obsessing about what food is being served, how much I’m eating, and how many calories are in each. I enjoy life and I don’t want to have to obsess over food and exercise.
3. Missing out on my favorites – Ok, so this is a childish fear, but it is a fear all the same. I LOVE food. I really love food. I fear that the only way I’ll ever truly lose weight is to eliminate the foods that I love. And, the thought of never again having my favorites scares me. Two thoughts on this…now that I’ve been officially told that I’m lactose intolerant and that I can’t have things like ice cream, cheese, creamy soups, etc I’ve basically been forced to eliminate a ton of my favorite foods. Also, I know that the first response is that you can have everything in moderation…but I fear that I cannot.
4. Life is so good right now – Ok, so this is one of those fears that I’m not sure I realized I had until I started really thinking about what it is I fear. My life right now is …in a word…awesome. I love my husband. I love life with him. I am enjoying my job. I love our house. I have good relationships with my friends and family. We are on track with our finances. Life is good. I fear that any change may change that. I’ve always had this fear that marriage is a very very fragile thing. That all it takes is a little speedbump and then you’re sent into a tailspin of unhappiness. I addressed so many of these fears about the frailty of marriage with my counselor, and I thought I had conquered them. But I’ve realized in the last week or so that I fear that if I lose weight, I may become a different person. And what if that different person is a person that Andy doesn’t like? I know he loves me as I am. I believe he would love me thinner, but if I’m being honest I realize that there is a very deep deep fear in my heart that he will not see me as the same person if I lost weight.
5. The fear of being thinner - This is closely related with the last. I have never known thin…or even “thinner”. I’ve had two encounters with thinner. The first was when I was 11 and being fed through a feeding tube. I spent two weeks in the hospital and had to start middle school as a half bald girl. To say the least, it was extremely emotionally draining. But, it was my closest encounter with ‘thin’. I weighed 170 pounds when they took the feeding tube out. I remember the day they weighed me. I remember the way the sun was streaming into the room. I remember that the IV was still attached to my arm. I remember thinking (at 11 years old) “maybe I’ll finally be normal”. And I remember the weight coming back on at lightning speed when I went back to normal food. That experience with “thinner” is a very painful memory for me. The second encounter I had with “thinner” was when I was 17. I became anorexic for about 6 weeks and lost 40 pounds. Again lost my hair. I ate between 300 and 500 calories a day. I exercised 90 minutes in the morning and 60 in the evening. I was starving and exhausted. I got down to 216 pounds. I have some good memories about that time, but I also have some bad ones. People paying you “compliments” that were really back handed insults about the “before” you. My dad was one of the worst. As hard as I’ve tried to eliminate his words from my mind…they stuck. And then…I ate a child’s hamburger. A simple 300 calorie child’s hamburger. And it made me extremely ill. Vomiting included. I decided at that point that I was not going to do this to myself any more and I went back to eating. And the weight came back at lightning speed again. So, the reality is that I do not know a happy, healthy thin. In my mind I equate thin with being hungry, sick, and depressed. I associate thin with hurtful words. I am afraid to be thinner.
6. Ok, so this brings me to my final fear. I fear that I am incapable of losing weight in a way that is normal and healthy. #5 above outlines my experiences with weightloss. They were extreme and they were emotionally difficult. #2 gives some insight into what those experiences have led me to believe… the only way to lose is to let it take over your life. I fear that I cannot lose weight and still enjoy life. And I love life. And deep down in my heart I’m willing to be fat if it means I get to be happy. I am afraid that I don’t know how to achieve happy and healthy together.
I liked this writing assignment. Thanks M for doing it with me. I had a bit of a breakthrough while writing it. One of the biggest times I struggle with my eating is on the weekends…when I’m surrounded by the love of my husband and absolutely loving life. Maybe my emotional immune system really is kicking in during those times and I eat in order to preserve that happiness? Lots to think on still.
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