Writing Assignment #1

M and I are going to do some directed writing to help us get to the root of some of the emotional stuff that goes along with this weight thing. I was reading an interesting study by some psychologists in some magazine on the plane. It was talking about how hard it is for human beings to make sweeping and lasting change in their lives. (Stopping smoking, spending less, losing weight, etc, etc). Their theory is that our brains have an 'immune' system (for lack of a better word) just like our bodies. So, when your body has some change happen your immune system comes in and attacks in order to retain the 'status quo' within your cells, blood, etc. Their theory is that FEAR is what fuels our emotional immune system. When you try to make a change, the fears that reside in the deepest darkest part of your mind/heart/soul rear up and sabotage your efforts to make change. Hence causing you to maintain the status quo in your life and avoid those things of which you are fearful. Their theory is that people need to identify their fears, acknowledge them, and actively work on conquering them.
SOOO...to finally get to the point...the assignment is to make a list about what scares you about losing weight and to then write a paragraph or two about WHY it scares you.
Here are mine

1. Gaining it back – This is by far my #1 fear about losing weight. (Note: now that I've finished writing this assignment I'm not so sure that its my #1 fear) I’ve written about it before. For people to meet you as overweight and just get to know you as overweight is one thing. For people to watch you lose weight and then watch you gain it back. Oye. The thought of it kills me. Mostly that people will pity me. Or that they will say to themselves “geez…she’s pathetic.” Since I have written so extensively about this in the past, I’m leaving it at that. I have no idea how to overcome this fear. As with most things in life, I suspect the result that what I fear is far worse than how bad it would actually be if it happened.

2. Becoming obsessive/compulsive – I fear being “one of those people” who can’t eat blah, blah, blah. Or who only eats blah, blah, blah. That what I eat and how much I exercise will be all I think about. That people will dread me coming because they know I’m going to barrage them with diet talk and judgement. That I won’t know how to enjoy a good party because I will be too busy obsessing about what food is being served, how much I’m eating, and how many calories are in each. I enjoy life and I don’t want to have to obsess over food and exercise.

3. Missing out on my favorites – Ok, so this is a childish fear, but it is a fear all the same. I LOVE food. I really love food. I fear that the only way I’ll ever truly lose weight is to eliminate the foods that I love. And, the thought of never again having my favorites scares me. Two thoughts on this…now that I’ve been officially told that I’m lactose intolerant and that I can’t have things like ice cream, cheese, creamy soups, etc I’ve basically been forced to eliminate a ton of my favorite foods. Also, I know that the first response is that you can have everything in moderation…but I fear that I cannot.

4. Life is so good right now – Ok, so this is one of those fears that I’m not sure I realized I had until I started really thinking about what it is I fear. My life right now is …in a word…awesome. I love my husband. I love life with him. I am enjoying my job. I love our house. I have good relationships with my friends and family. We are on track with our finances. Life is good. I fear that any change may change that. I’ve always had this fear that marriage is a very very fragile thing. That all it takes is a little speedbump and then you’re sent into a tailspin of unhappiness. I addressed so many of these fears about the frailty of marriage with my counselor, and I thought I had conquered them. But I’ve realized in the last week or so that I fear that if I lose weight, I may become a different person. And what if that different person is a person that Andy doesn’t like? I know he loves me as I am. I believe he would love me thinner, but if I’m being honest I realize that there is a very deep deep fear in my heart that he will not see me as the same person if I lost weight.

5. The fear of being thinner - This is closely related with the last. I have never known thin…or even “thinner”. I’ve had two encounters with thinner. The first was when I was 11 and being fed through a feeding tube. I spent two weeks in the hospital and had to start middle school as a half bald girl. To say the least, it was extremely emotionally draining. But, it was my closest encounter with ‘thin’. I weighed 170 pounds when they took the feeding tube out. I remember the day they weighed me. I remember the way the sun was streaming into the room. I remember that the IV was still attached to my arm. I remember thinking (at 11 years old) “maybe I’ll finally be normal”. And I remember the weight coming back on at lightning speed when I went back to normal food. That experience with “thinner” is a very painful memory for me. The second encounter I had with “thinner” was when I was 17. I became anorexic for about 6 weeks and lost 40 pounds. Again lost my hair. I ate between 300 and 500 calories a day. I exercised 90 minutes in the morning and 60 in the evening. I was starving and exhausted. I got down to 216 pounds. I have some good memories about that time, but I also have some bad ones. People paying you “compliments” that were really back handed insults about the “before” you. My dad was one of the worst. As hard as I’ve tried to eliminate his words from my mind…they stuck. And then…I ate a child’s hamburger. A simple 300 calorie child’s hamburger. And it made me extremely ill. Vomiting included. I decided at that point that I was not going to do this to myself any more and I went back to eating. And the weight came back at lightning speed again. So, the reality is that I do not know a happy, healthy thin. In my mind I equate thin with being hungry, sick, and depressed. I associate thin with hurtful words. I am afraid to be thinner.

6. Ok, so this brings me to my final fear. I fear that I am incapable of losing weight in a way that is normal and healthy. #5 above outlines my experiences with weightloss. They were extreme and they were emotionally difficult. #2 gives some insight into what those experiences have led me to believe… the only way to lose is to let it take over your life. I fear that I cannot lose weight and still enjoy life. And I love life. And deep down in my heart I’m willing to be fat if it means I get to be happy. I am afraid that I don’t know how to achieve happy and healthy together.

I liked this writing assignment. Thanks M for doing it with me. I had a bit of a breakthrough while writing it. One of the biggest times I struggle with my eating is on the weekends…when I’m surrounded by the love of my husband and absolutely loving life. Maybe my emotional immune system really is kicking in during those times and I eat in order to preserve that happiness? Lots to think on still.

Dissatisfied?

Moody, moody, moody. That’s what I am today. I’m not really sure why. Don’t think I slept well for one. Very tired today. Had an annoying nightmare about my brother. Didn’t feel like going to work. You know, the whole “didn’t feel like going to work” feels like a theme this week. I just find myself wishing I were either independently wealthy or ran my own business or something. I even spent the entire drive to work trying to come up with some cool story idea so I could write a novel and get rich off of that (John Grogan anyone?). But, I just couldn’t come up with anything.

I feel like I should be satisfied to have a job that pays me well and treats me well. A flexible boss. I don’t know what it would take to satisfy me really. Isn’t this just life? You get up and go to work 5 days a week and look forward to the weekend? It’s the American way right? So why do I always find myself trying to dream of ways to get out of it? I’m really not sure. I think a big part of it is that I’m usually bored. I have projects but they are either projects that don’t take much time, don’t take much brainpower, or don’t feel like they are really worth the effort being asked of me. I had one job in my life where I was actually busy literally all day and it’s the only job I’ve ever loved. I guess my thought is that if I was working for myself I could find ways to keep myself busy. Who knows? I do have a plan to try and see what kind of money I can make independently when I take my FMLA leave after my first baby. Hopefully I can prove to make at least half of what I make now. I think we could survive on that.

Time for another post. An update. The first week of 2009 (I weigh on Tuesdays so I think of weeks as beginning and ending on Tuesday) went fairly well. I’ve finally gotten my butt off the couch and did a little exercise. Little being the keyword. 2 ten minute workouts, 1 fifteen minute workout. It is very hard for me to adjust my thinking and to be proud of what I did accomplish and not rue that which I did not accomplish. I want to live a happy healthy life. And part of that “healthy” aspect is the mental aspect. I really want to continue to work on my attitude and on NOT beating myself up. I’ve made a lot of progress over the last 3 years or so, but I still have a ways to go.

I’m down 2.4 pounds this week. That’s even with the lapses in eating and with the little short workouts. Actually, what with the horrendous scale jump on the 1st after our NYE celebration I’m down more like 7 pounds! LOL. But, I’m not counting that. I have got to remember that I don’t have to be perfect to see the scale move. Little changes do matter. So, I will start my goal of 6 mins 4x a week for next week. It’s going to be a challenge because I’m going to be travelling Mon-Wed. BUT, I have Thur, Fri, Sat, Sun, and Mon and I can pick 4 of those days and still accomplish my goal. The next week will be equally as challenging with my travel schedule. But, this is a goal whether I’m here or on the other side of the country. That’s why hotels have gyms now! And the next week I’m travelling by myself so I hope to try to actually use the hotel gym.

I also got my hearing aid yesterday. I’m feeling fairly optimistic about it. I’m hearing things I haven’t been able to hear in months. But more importantly, I’m finding social situations to be a little easier. It’s surprisingly discrete. Even A said he could barely notice it. I had muted it for a conference call and then after the conference call was trying to have a conversation with a guy across the aisle from me. I was really struggling to hear him and was getting frustrated. Then, I realized I had the hearing aid on mute still! Duh! When I turned it back on he was so much easier to hear. Even my own voice is finally starting to sound a little more normal. I’m waiting to give any final judgements for at least a month, but as of right now, I’m fairly pleased with my results.

New Year. Fresh Start.

I’m not a big fan of New Year’s resolutions. They never seem to work. I am, however, a fan of taking advantage of opportunities when they are presented. And the start of a New Year is an opportunity to refocus. No more holidays. No more out of control dinners. Much less stress. No more marathon shopping adventures.

Our typical history is to have a pretty boring Jan – Mar. It’s cold here and so basically, we just hide away and wait for the spring to come. I’m happy about this. I’m a creature of habit. I do better with the mundane than with the out of the ordinary. Just being at work today has been a blessing. This whole week has been out of whack for me, and my food has followed. Today I had my routine breakfast and my routine lunch. I packed my routine afternoon snack. To me, routine is something to be celebrated!

All that said, this winter will be a little different for me. For one, I have a travel job for work. I will be taking at least three trips in January that I know of already. Feb. will most likely be similar. Also, my sister is having her first baby so I’ll be travelling home for a week to see her in Feb. So, that mundane routine that usually helps me get back on track at the beginning of a new year is just not going to be here this year. So, I’ll need a different strategy. I’ll need to remind myself constantly that travel is not an excuse to eat whatever I want. That exercise can happen away from home. That my goal of getting under 300 pounds by May is worth all of the effort that will have to go into it. Hopefully, remembering to blog on a more regular basis will help keep me in check over these next few months.

My 2008 Top 10 List

1. Italy! Need I say more?
2. Sebastain...this little puppy has added so much joy to my life
3. Finding out my little sister is pregnant and I'll be an aunt again.
4. Friends! Chicago, New York, Stacy and Aylin's visit to Omaha
5. My husband...I never knew married life would be this good
6. NEW JOB...no more railroad!
7. Obama
8. The cinderella ride with my nieces in downtown Omaha
9. The Mustang coming back into my life
10. King size bed!