Depressed. I admitted to my husband on Saturday that I’ve been feeling depressed. For at least the last two weeks I’ve been on the edge of tears a lot of the time. The week before I started crying while we were out to dinner. I’ve been sleeping too much. I’ve been suffering with that common side effect of depression: nothing sounds good to eat. So, naturally skinny people typically lose weight during depression because they stop eating. Naturally overweight people tend to gain weight because they eat everything in sight trying to find something that tastes good to them. I of course fall into the second category. I haven’t actually been gaining weight, but I have been struggling with wanting to overeat in a way that I haven’t struggled in some time. I don’t feel like doing anything.
The good news is that after telling him and then spending a good at least 90 minutes crying, I started to feel the clouds shifting a bit. My husband took me out on a much needed and definitely much enjoyed date on Saturday night. We had the best time and I just felt myself perking up a bit. I managed through an entire weekend without a nap (first time since August I believe). This morning I actually packed my lunch. And today at lunch…I actually ate what I packed! And, it tasted good to me. I took a long walk at lunch time by myself. I addressed an issue at work that has been weighing heavily on me. For those reasons, I think my depression may actually be improving.
I think the majority of my depression can be directly linked to my experiences with my ear, so I don’t anticipate that I’m out of the dark for good. I do believe there will be future bouts of battling this stuff. I am very angry about my ear. I waiver back and forth between wanting to throw myself on the ground and throw a two year old temper tantrum to wanting to go to church and ask some believers to pray for me. I just want my hearing back. Unfortunately, no amount of tantrum throwing or praying is going to get me my hearing back. I know that…which is why I am so upset about the whole thing. I am not someone who deals well with being powerless. I’m used to getting what I want. I think its why I struggle so much with patience…I feel powerless to time.
Anyways, I really hope that the next week or two will be improving. Both because I’ve admitted that I’m angry about my ear and I don’t want to have a good attitude and because I’ve addressed the work situation. I really would like to see the old Kelli back and I feel like I’m getting bigger glimpses of her in the mirror everytime I look.
Oct 20, 2008
Oct 10, 2008
I’m struggling. I’ve not gotten up to workout a single time this week. I’ve set the alarm and then gotten up and turned it off. I’ve had no desire to eat the right things or write down my food. I haven’t binged but I’ve definitely eaten whatever I want. I’m not sure what causes this. I’ve got PMS this week…that could be part of it. I went out of town for the weekend…that could be part of it. I’m feeling unsatisfied at work and very bored…that could be part of it. I’m very anxious to start a family and I just feel like I’m waiting, waiting, waiting..but for what? I wanted to be at my job for a year so that I could get myself well planted within the company and the reality is, I don’t feel like that’s happening very quickly. Still feel like an outsider. The inability to hear in group situations makes that feeling even more intense.
I saw a picture of a thin celebrity today and found myself feeling jealous. I want to look like that. But, again, I am forced to ask myself “do you really want to?” Because I sure don’t act like it. I snooze. There is absolutely no reason for me to snooze. We go to bed at a decent hour every night and I should not need any extra sleep. I snooze because I’m lazy. I eat chocolate…why? Not lazy…I mean I have to search it out. I guess because I really like it? I wonder if the chocolate cravings are PMS related?
The scale is up 2 pounds. I hate to see that. It makes me want to pick up the scale and throw it at the wall. I didn’t weigh this morning because I couldn’t stand the idea of seeing that number. I think why I hate it is that I know its my fault. I used to always say in college that if I studied really hard and got a B on a test…it didn’t bother me. It was when I didn’t even bother to study and then got the B that I got upset. Because I failed myself. That’s how I feel about weightloss. I brought the 2 pound gain on myself. I stopped working out. I stopped writing down my food.
Where is my head? Do I really think the weight will just fall off me because I say I want it to. I know for a fact that this isn’t how it works. I know I can accept slow loss. But, what I can’t accept is knowing that I’m not doing anything to make that slow loss even happen. I’ve driven to work with a heavy heart every single day this week. Today it felt so heavy I felt like crying. I know its heavy because I’m so disappointed in myself for letting this week pass me by without doing anything to get me where I’m going.
I think another thing that has really gotten to me is that my 10-year high school reunion was this weekend. I weight 232 on prom night. Now here I am weighing 324. 92 pounds heavier than high school. It makes me sad for two reasons. Of course for the obvious reason – I’m 92 pounds heavier than high school! But, also it makes me sad because I spent so much of high school hating myself for being SO FAT. I mean, I truly hated myself. I hid out from the world. Heaven knows how I managed to get a boyfriend senior year as someone with so much self-loathing…but I did. I so wish I could go back to myself at that time and say “you’re beautiful, you’re sexy, and someday a man will feel very lucky to have you”. I wish I could stop her from wasting the next two years eating her way up past 300 pounds. I find myself wondering what my future self is going to wish she could say to my twenty-something self.
I turn 29 on the 28th. I’m thinking of doing a 30 before you’re 30 list for my last year of my twenties. Maybe it would be a good way to give myself something positive to focus on?
Next week is a work travel week. When I first started travelling I constantly reminded myself that work travel is not the same as vacation travel and I ate very well on those trips. That will be my focus on this trip. It’s work travel…not vacation. Salads and soups and grilled chicken are the way to go!
Ok, so this is a rambling post…but I think I needed to get some of this out….
I saw a picture of a thin celebrity today and found myself feeling jealous. I want to look like that. But, again, I am forced to ask myself “do you really want to?” Because I sure don’t act like it. I snooze. There is absolutely no reason for me to snooze. We go to bed at a decent hour every night and I should not need any extra sleep. I snooze because I’m lazy. I eat chocolate…why? Not lazy…I mean I have to search it out. I guess because I really like it? I wonder if the chocolate cravings are PMS related?
The scale is up 2 pounds. I hate to see that. It makes me want to pick up the scale and throw it at the wall. I didn’t weigh this morning because I couldn’t stand the idea of seeing that number. I think why I hate it is that I know its my fault. I used to always say in college that if I studied really hard and got a B on a test…it didn’t bother me. It was when I didn’t even bother to study and then got the B that I got upset. Because I failed myself. That’s how I feel about weightloss. I brought the 2 pound gain on myself. I stopped working out. I stopped writing down my food.
Where is my head? Do I really think the weight will just fall off me because I say I want it to. I know for a fact that this isn’t how it works. I know I can accept slow loss. But, what I can’t accept is knowing that I’m not doing anything to make that slow loss even happen. I’ve driven to work with a heavy heart every single day this week. Today it felt so heavy I felt like crying. I know its heavy because I’m so disappointed in myself for letting this week pass me by without doing anything to get me where I’m going.
I think another thing that has really gotten to me is that my 10-year high school reunion was this weekend. I weight 232 on prom night. Now here I am weighing 324. 92 pounds heavier than high school. It makes me sad for two reasons. Of course for the obvious reason – I’m 92 pounds heavier than high school! But, also it makes me sad because I spent so much of high school hating myself for being SO FAT. I mean, I truly hated myself. I hid out from the world. Heaven knows how I managed to get a boyfriend senior year as someone with so much self-loathing…but I did. I so wish I could go back to myself at that time and say “you’re beautiful, you’re sexy, and someday a man will feel very lucky to have you”. I wish I could stop her from wasting the next two years eating her way up past 300 pounds. I find myself wondering what my future self is going to wish she could say to my twenty-something self.
I turn 29 on the 28th. I’m thinking of doing a 30 before you’re 30 list for my last year of my twenties. Maybe it would be a good way to give myself something positive to focus on?
Next week is a work travel week. When I first started travelling I constantly reminded myself that work travel is not the same as vacation travel and I ate very well on those trips. That will be my focus on this trip. It’s work travel…not vacation. Salads and soups and grilled chicken are the way to go!
Ok, so this is a rambling post…but I think I needed to get some of this out….
Oct 7, 2008
This is me...this is who I am...
So, I share this picture because when I saw it I realized just how far I have come. I don’t hate this picture. It’s no secret to those who know me that my butt /hips are definitely my biggest areas. Therefore I’ve always avoided pictures taken from behind. And I’ve always been annoyed by anyone who took them. Well, a friend took this picture (and a few others) this weekend and guess what…I don’t hate the picture. I don’t even mind looking at it. This is me! This is the butt and thighs that allowed me to have a wonderful weekend walking to some beautiful falls and enjoying some great company. This butt and those thighs went down a slide for the first time in a very long time. When I saw that the pictures had been taken my first thought was “oh great”. But…then I took a look at them and said ‘so what…its me’.
So, I’ve come a long way on the path to learning to love myself just the way I am. Do I want to make changes…absolutely. But not because I hate myself as I am now.
Weigh-in was today. Up 0.4 pounds. Not bad given that I flew on two flights yesterday, was out of town this weekend and ate out multiple times, and that I had Chinese for dinner last night! I’ll take it.
PB toast – 330
Oatmeal – 160
Soup – 300
Salad – 300
Fruit/Choc – 135
Total: 1225
Oct 2, 2008
Oct 1, 2008
Slowest week ever? Maybe...
I refuse to beat myself up. I'm not feeling well right now. I am trying to fight something off and my throat is hurting, my ears are hurting and I'm extremely tired. I ate a bagel with cream cheese and half of an OJ. I am now fighting the urge to berate myself for doing it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with my having a comfort bagel when I'm sick. I truly enjoy the flavor. I will fight the urge to be perfect all the time. And more importantly, to beat myself up if I am less than perfect. I wrote down my bagel, cc, and oj. I can still lose 0.5 pounds a week with an occasional bagel and oj. I will probably have soup for lunch instead of the lunch I packed. I will write that down. When I'm sick the things I'm used to eating just don't taste good to me.
I truly believe that its the "i hate myself for screwing up" mentallity that hurts so many of us and causes that 'give-up, throw in the towel' attitude. I do not hate myself. I enjoyed my bagel. I am enjoying my oj. I will enjoy my soup. And I will write down everything that crosses my lips.
EVENING UPDATE: I DID IT!!! Woo-Hoo! I still stuck within my range of 2500 today. I am so freaking proud of myself for not letting the bagel turn into a spiral! :) :) :)
pb muffin - 330
bagel - 300
creamcheese (2oz) - 200
OJ - 110
Soup - 175
Salad - 300
Choc/Fruit strip - 90
Nuts - 170
Cheese - 50
Chicken/cauliflower/spinach - 200
Rice - 200
ice cream - 240
Total - 2365
I truly believe that its the "i hate myself for screwing up" mentallity that hurts so many of us and causes that 'give-up, throw in the towel' attitude. I do not hate myself. I enjoyed my bagel. I am enjoying my oj. I will enjoy my soup. And I will write down everything that crosses my lips.
EVENING UPDATE: I DID IT!!! Woo-Hoo! I still stuck within my range of 2500 today. I am so freaking proud of myself for not letting the bagel turn into a spiral! :) :) :)
pb muffin - 330
bagel - 300
creamcheese (2oz) - 200
OJ - 110
Soup - 175
Salad - 300
Choc/Fruit strip - 90
Nuts - 170
Cheese - 50
Chicken/cauliflower/spinach - 200
Rice - 200
ice cream - 240
Total - 2365
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