I miss my husband.

I miss my husband. I really really do. This may sound weird since I saw him at 6:35 this morning and will be seeing him by 5:45 tonight. But, I experience this phenomenon after every vacation or trip we take together. We just got back from a 9 day holiday trip where we spent every single day together. And, I enjoyed every minute of it. I’m surrounded daily by people who can’t stand to be around their spouses more than they have to. By family members who have been jaded by cheating spouses and spouses who absolutely cannot meet their emotional needs. Yet, I feel 100% completely satisfied, happy, and content in my relationship. I see my trust for my spouse growing stronger everyday. And after getting so much one on one time with him…I find these 9-10 hours a day that we must be separated from each other very hard to get used to. And so I say again, I miss my husband.

To be honest, sometimes I find this growing trust frightening. Sometimes I look at him, my heart swells with love and pride and joy and then I find myself catching my breath and saying “it won’t last like this.” I hate that the world has jaded me into thinking this way. I truly want to believe in us. I want my nieces and nephews and siblings to see that unconditional love can exist. It’s not always easy and it takes a lot of acceptance of each others shortcomings, but in the end, it can exist. But I will admit, I have my moments where I think “will they all be pointing and saying ‘we told you so?’ one day?” I sincerely hope not.

We are almost to the point of starting a family. I find myself overcome with joy at the idea of bringing a little person, some of me, some of him into our lives. I hope that this little person will have his eyes, his heart, his unbelievable capacity to see the best in people. I also fear that this could be the wedge that drives us apart. It’s what I’ve always heard “kids change everything.” No doubt they do. They make life much harder, but more joyful as well. When I find myself worrying about what having kids will do to our undeniably strong bond, I remind myself of what some said when we got married. “Everything changes once you say I Do.” They were right I guess…things got even better. But I don’t think that’s what those naysayers meant. I’ve heard “you’ll hate your first year of marriage.” Not so for me, I’ve loved every minute since I walked down that aisle as a married woman, arm-in-arm with my best friend. “Traveling with your spouse will be the hardest experience”. Well, as outlined above, I’ve obviously found that to be completely opposite of the truth. “You’re still happy because you are still newlyweds”. Well, we are coming up on 4 years together, 1year and 7 months of those married and I find myself possibly happier than ever. So, when I hear those little whisperings in my head that say “maybe having a kid will ruin everything” I will remember that we’ve proven them wrong. No doubt life will be more difficult as a family instead of a couple. But, I believe that with my best friend by my side we will come out happier than ever before.

So, I finally started reading a little gem of a book that a friend gave me for my birthday. It’s called “thin from within” and talks about making small changes that help you to change your lifestyle. One of the things the author suggests is that you take some time to say thanks for your meal before you eat it. Before any food you put in your mouth in fact. I’m not a praying person, but I did like the idea. It’s mostly about slowing down and saying to yourself “I’m going to eat this to help my body perform” rather than just mindlessly scarfing the food down. I used it today at lunch and it really did slow me down. I’m going to try and make it a habit.

Wow, it's been more than a month since I blogged. Weight is the same. 324.4 this morning. A good friend is considering weight loss surgery. I spent some time with my mom this weekend. I saw my very very pregnant sister this weekend. It has my mind churning.

Here's an email I wrote to the friend who's considering surgery. I think it sums up where I am right now.

"After we talked I went and got out my crafting supplies and a bunch of baby pictures of me and A. I made a bunch of signs that say "299" in big block letters and then I put a baby picture of A and a baby picture of me on each one. I hung one in the bathroom on the mirror, one in the laundry room (that's where my scale is), one on the fridge (cleaned everything else off the fridge so it'd be impossible to miss) and one in the pantry. They are about 6"x6" big. Then I also made one about the size of a dollar bill and put that in my wallet in front of my money. I made one the size of my credit card and put that in my wallet in front of my credit card. I plan to make one to put in my suitcase for my next trip (and probably bring tape to hang in on the door for when I leave my hotel room). I also had a long talk with A last night. I told him everything I had told you. Basically that I do not want to end up in the situation my mom is in and the longer I avoid surgery, the closer I come to being in her situation. If I am going to have the surgery I need to have it while I'm young rather than waiting until I'm in my 40's. So, I told him that the purpose of the signs is to remind me of my goal (299 is about a 26 pound loss) and of my main motivation (to have kids). I told him that if I don't make something happen then I am going to seriously evaluate the surgical route. He was completely supportive (of coures, I swear he's the best husband on earth) and said that he wants to start getting in shape again as well. Unfortunately between now and Christmas he's on a special project for work and has to leave the house by 6:15 so before work exercise together is not going to happen. But, we are both committed to focusing on maintaining during the rest of December and re-introducing exercise when we come home. Also, I'm committed to trying to work in at least 2 days of exercise next week before our trip.

I definitely have not ruled out surgery as a possible path for myself. I just want to give myself one more opportunity to prove to myself that I can do this. I'm concentrating on 299 because it is a doable goal and its not so overwhelming. 26 pounds is not even 10% of my body weight. If I can't make this happen for the sake of my future kids and my future self as a mom, then maybe surgery is the best route for me, you know? Right now, those little motivational tools are helping. When my stomach started growling at 10:15 I opened up my wallet and looked at one. I did the same thing before I walked into the cafeteria to buy my lunch. I hope that they do not lose their power and that I can make something happen. I do want to change my life."

Monday, Monday

I haven’t written in a while. Things have been all over the place. Today I feel pretty good.

I realized something interesting about myself this weekend. A and I are trying to save money before we have a baby. I wanted to move the date to get pregnant up and A said he’d rather wait until we got our savings acct where we wanted it. He had a good point and so therefore I started working very hard on not spending unneeded money. Our first credit card statement since he said that is quite a bit less than they usually are!!!

So, here’s where the realization comes in. I’m able to not pull out that credit card and buy stuff because I know that something bigger lies at the end of the road…a baby! SOOOOO…why does that same logic not apply to eating? I’m a broken record, yet here I am. I guess since its my blog the point is that I can be the broken record.

Today is a good day. I’ve not felt tempted at all today. I’ve eaten my planned packed food. But last week in Florida was not good. Why? What is it about me that can’t take small steps to get what I want when it comes to weight loss?

I think about something going on at our house. We have had a massive pile of cardboard boxes building up in our garage that needed recycling. I mean, the pile was taller than me. I knew it needed to be broken down and recycled. But, the idea of going out there and spending several hours breaking down cardboard had no appeal to me whatsoever. It just seemed like such a daunting task. Well, I recently noticed that the pile was shrinking. I asked A about it and he said “yea, I’m breaking down a few boxes a week to get rid of them”. What a concept!!! I immediately drew the parallel to weight loss. This morning that pile didn’t even come to my waste. A little at a time he’s making a huge dent.

Once again, my husband, through the way he lives his life, is teaching me an important lesson. I sincerely hope that one day all of these lessons adds up to me actually losing some weight!

I had another little realization recently. Back in 2004, I think it was March, I met M for the first time in Michigan. We went together and had a facial done. We made an agreement at that time that we would get another one the next time we hit 299. That was 4yrs and 6 months ago!! And still I have not gotten that facial! That frustrates me. The highest I’ve been in that time is 338. But, for the majority of that time I have actually been under 330. Which means its only 30 pounds I need to lose to get that facial. 4.5 years, 30 pounds. It’s freaking doable! So, I’m working on my 30 before 30 list and there are two things on there. 1. Lose 30 pounds. 2. Get a facial!!! One will not come before the other. I really need to stop thinking of “I need to lose 150 pounds” and start just thinking about those 30 pounds. I can do that. I know I can.

Depressed

Depressed. I admitted to my husband on Saturday that I’ve been feeling depressed. For at least the last two weeks I’ve been on the edge of tears a lot of the time. The week before I started crying while we were out to dinner. I’ve been sleeping too much. I’ve been suffering with that common side effect of depression: nothing sounds good to eat. So, naturally skinny people typically lose weight during depression because they stop eating. Naturally overweight people tend to gain weight because they eat everything in sight trying to find something that tastes good to them. I of course fall into the second category. I haven’t actually been gaining weight, but I have been struggling with wanting to overeat in a way that I haven’t struggled in some time. I don’t feel like doing anything.

The good news is that after telling him and then spending a good at least 90 minutes crying, I started to feel the clouds shifting a bit. My husband took me out on a much needed and definitely much enjoyed date on Saturday night. We had the best time and I just felt myself perking up a bit. I managed through an entire weekend without a nap (first time since August I believe). This morning I actually packed my lunch. And today at lunch…I actually ate what I packed! And, it tasted good to me. I took a long walk at lunch time by myself. I addressed an issue at work that has been weighing heavily on me. For those reasons, I think my depression may actually be improving.

I think the majority of my depression can be directly linked to my experiences with my ear, so I don’t anticipate that I’m out of the dark for good. I do believe there will be future bouts of battling this stuff. I am very angry about my ear. I waiver back and forth between wanting to throw myself on the ground and throw a two year old temper tantrum to wanting to go to church and ask some believers to pray for me. I just want my hearing back. Unfortunately, no amount of tantrum throwing or praying is going to get me my hearing back. I know that…which is why I am so upset about the whole thing. I am not someone who deals well with being powerless. I’m used to getting what I want. I think its why I struggle so much with patience…I feel powerless to time.

Anyways, I really hope that the next week or two will be improving. Both because I’ve admitted that I’m angry about my ear and I don’t want to have a good attitude and because I’ve addressed the work situation. I really would like to see the old Kelli back and I feel like I’m getting bigger glimpses of her in the mirror everytime I look.

I’m struggling. I’ve not gotten up to workout a single time this week. I’ve set the alarm and then gotten up and turned it off. I’ve had no desire to eat the right things or write down my food. I haven’t binged but I’ve definitely eaten whatever I want. I’m not sure what causes this. I’ve got PMS this week…that could be part of it. I went out of town for the weekend…that could be part of it. I’m feeling unsatisfied at work and very bored…that could be part of it. I’m very anxious to start a family and I just feel like I’m waiting, waiting, waiting..but for what? I wanted to be at my job for a year so that I could get myself well planted within the company and the reality is, I don’t feel like that’s happening very quickly. Still feel like an outsider. The inability to hear in group situations makes that feeling even more intense.

I saw a picture of a thin celebrity today and found myself feeling jealous. I want to look like that. But, again, I am forced to ask myself “do you really want to?” Because I sure don’t act like it. I snooze. There is absolutely no reason for me to snooze. We go to bed at a decent hour every night and I should not need any extra sleep. I snooze because I’m lazy. I eat chocolate…why? Not lazy…I mean I have to search it out. I guess because I really like it? I wonder if the chocolate cravings are PMS related?

The scale is up 2 pounds. I hate to see that. It makes me want to pick up the scale and throw it at the wall. I didn’t weigh this morning because I couldn’t stand the idea of seeing that number. I think why I hate it is that I know its my fault. I used to always say in college that if I studied really hard and got a B on a test…it didn’t bother me. It was when I didn’t even bother to study and then got the B that I got upset. Because I failed myself. That’s how I feel about weightloss. I brought the 2 pound gain on myself. I stopped working out. I stopped writing down my food.

Where is my head? Do I really think the weight will just fall off me because I say I want it to. I know for a fact that this isn’t how it works. I know I can accept slow loss. But, what I can’t accept is knowing that I’m not doing anything to make that slow loss even happen. I’ve driven to work with a heavy heart every single day this week. Today it felt so heavy I felt like crying. I know its heavy because I’m so disappointed in myself for letting this week pass me by without doing anything to get me where I’m going.

I think another thing that has really gotten to me is that my 10-year high school reunion was this weekend. I weight 232 on prom night. Now here I am weighing 324. 92 pounds heavier than high school. It makes me sad for two reasons. Of course for the obvious reason – I’m 92 pounds heavier than high school! But, also it makes me sad because I spent so much of high school hating myself for being SO FAT. I mean, I truly hated myself. I hid out from the world. Heaven knows how I managed to get a boyfriend senior year as someone with so much self-loathing…but I did. I so wish I could go back to myself at that time and say “you’re beautiful, you’re sexy, and someday a man will feel very lucky to have you”. I wish I could stop her from wasting the next two years eating her way up past 300 pounds. I find myself wondering what my future self is going to wish she could say to my twenty-something self.

I turn 29 on the 28th. I’m thinking of doing a 30 before you’re 30 list for my last year of my twenties. Maybe it would be a good way to give myself something positive to focus on?

Next week is a work travel week. When I first started travelling I constantly reminded myself that work travel is not the same as vacation travel and I ate very well on those trips. That will be my focus on this trip. It’s work travel…not vacation. Salads and soups and grilled chicken are the way to go!

Ok, so this is a rambling post…but I think I needed to get some of this out….

This is me...this is who I am...

So, I share this picture because when I saw it I realized just how far I have come. I don’t hate this picture. It’s no secret to those who know me that my butt /hips are definitely my biggest areas. Therefore I’ve always avoided pictures taken from behind. And I’ve always been annoyed by anyone who took them. Well, a friend took this picture (and a few others) this weekend and guess what…I don’t hate the picture. I don’t even mind looking at it. This is me! This is the butt and thighs that allowed me to have a wonderful weekend walking to some beautiful falls and enjoying some great company. This butt and those thighs went down a slide for the first time in a very long time. When I saw that the pictures had been taken my first thought was “oh great”. But…then I took a look at them and said ‘so what…its me’.

So, I’ve come a long way on the path to learning to love myself just the way I am. Do I want to make changes…absolutely. But not because I hate myself as I am now.

Weigh-in was today. Up 0.4 pounds. Not bad given that I flew on two flights yesterday, was out of town this weekend and ate out multiple times, and that I had Chinese for dinner last night! I’ll take it.

PB toast – 330
Oatmeal – 160
Soup – 300
Salad – 300
Fruit/Choc – 135

Total: 1225