Dissatisfied?

Moody, moody, moody. That’s what I am today. I’m not really sure why. Don’t think I slept well for one. Very tired today. Had an annoying nightmare about my brother. Didn’t feel like going to work. You know, the whole “didn’t feel like going to work” feels like a theme this week. I just find myself wishing I were either independently wealthy or ran my own business or something. I even spent the entire drive to work trying to come up with some cool story idea so I could write a novel and get rich off of that (John Grogan anyone?). But, I just couldn’t come up with anything.

I feel like I should be satisfied to have a job that pays me well and treats me well. A flexible boss. I don’t know what it would take to satisfy me really. Isn’t this just life? You get up and go to work 5 days a week and look forward to the weekend? It’s the American way right? So why do I always find myself trying to dream of ways to get out of it? I’m really not sure. I think a big part of it is that I’m usually bored. I have projects but they are either projects that don’t take much time, don’t take much brainpower, or don’t feel like they are really worth the effort being asked of me. I had one job in my life where I was actually busy literally all day and it’s the only job I’ve ever loved. I guess my thought is that if I was working for myself I could find ways to keep myself busy. Who knows? I do have a plan to try and see what kind of money I can make independently when I take my FMLA leave after my first baby. Hopefully I can prove to make at least half of what I make now. I think we could survive on that.

Time for another post. An update. The first week of 2009 (I weigh on Tuesdays so I think of weeks as beginning and ending on Tuesday) went fairly well. I’ve finally gotten my butt off the couch and did a little exercise. Little being the keyword. 2 ten minute workouts, 1 fifteen minute workout. It is very hard for me to adjust my thinking and to be proud of what I did accomplish and not rue that which I did not accomplish. I want to live a happy healthy life. And part of that “healthy” aspect is the mental aspect. I really want to continue to work on my attitude and on NOT beating myself up. I’ve made a lot of progress over the last 3 years or so, but I still have a ways to go.

I’m down 2.4 pounds this week. That’s even with the lapses in eating and with the little short workouts. Actually, what with the horrendous scale jump on the 1st after our NYE celebration I’m down more like 7 pounds! LOL. But, I’m not counting that. I have got to remember that I don’t have to be perfect to see the scale move. Little changes do matter. So, I will start my goal of 6 mins 4x a week for next week. It’s going to be a challenge because I’m going to be travelling Mon-Wed. BUT, I have Thur, Fri, Sat, Sun, and Mon and I can pick 4 of those days and still accomplish my goal. The next week will be equally as challenging with my travel schedule. But, this is a goal whether I’m here or on the other side of the country. That’s why hotels have gyms now! And the next week I’m travelling by myself so I hope to try to actually use the hotel gym.

I also got my hearing aid yesterday. I’m feeling fairly optimistic about it. I’m hearing things I haven’t been able to hear in months. But more importantly, I’m finding social situations to be a little easier. It’s surprisingly discrete. Even A said he could barely notice it. I had muted it for a conference call and then after the conference call was trying to have a conversation with a guy across the aisle from me. I was really struggling to hear him and was getting frustrated. Then, I realized I had the hearing aid on mute still! Duh! When I turned it back on he was so much easier to hear. Even my own voice is finally starting to sound a little more normal. I’m waiting to give any final judgements for at least a month, but as of right now, I’m fairly pleased with my results.

New Year. Fresh Start.

I’m not a big fan of New Year’s resolutions. They never seem to work. I am, however, a fan of taking advantage of opportunities when they are presented. And the start of a New Year is an opportunity to refocus. No more holidays. No more out of control dinners. Much less stress. No more marathon shopping adventures.

Our typical history is to have a pretty boring Jan – Mar. It’s cold here and so basically, we just hide away and wait for the spring to come. I’m happy about this. I’m a creature of habit. I do better with the mundane than with the out of the ordinary. Just being at work today has been a blessing. This whole week has been out of whack for me, and my food has followed. Today I had my routine breakfast and my routine lunch. I packed my routine afternoon snack. To me, routine is something to be celebrated!

All that said, this winter will be a little different for me. For one, I have a travel job for work. I will be taking at least three trips in January that I know of already. Feb. will most likely be similar. Also, my sister is having her first baby so I’ll be travelling home for a week to see her in Feb. So, that mundane routine that usually helps me get back on track at the beginning of a new year is just not going to be here this year. So, I’ll need a different strategy. I’ll need to remind myself constantly that travel is not an excuse to eat whatever I want. That exercise can happen away from home. That my goal of getting under 300 pounds by May is worth all of the effort that will have to go into it. Hopefully, remembering to blog on a more regular basis will help keep me in check over these next few months.

My 2008 Top 10 List

1. Italy! Need I say more?
2. Sebastain...this little puppy has added so much joy to my life
3. Finding out my little sister is pregnant and I'll be an aunt again.
4. Friends! Chicago, New York, Stacy and Aylin's visit to Omaha
5. My husband...I never knew married life would be this good
6. NEW JOB...no more railroad!
7. Obama
8. The cinderella ride with my nieces in downtown Omaha
9. The Mustang coming back into my life
10. King size bed!

I miss my husband.

I miss my husband. I really really do. This may sound weird since I saw him at 6:35 this morning and will be seeing him by 5:45 tonight. But, I experience this phenomenon after every vacation or trip we take together. We just got back from a 9 day holiday trip where we spent every single day together. And, I enjoyed every minute of it. I’m surrounded daily by people who can’t stand to be around their spouses more than they have to. By family members who have been jaded by cheating spouses and spouses who absolutely cannot meet their emotional needs. Yet, I feel 100% completely satisfied, happy, and content in my relationship. I see my trust for my spouse growing stronger everyday. And after getting so much one on one time with him…I find these 9-10 hours a day that we must be separated from each other very hard to get used to. And so I say again, I miss my husband.

To be honest, sometimes I find this growing trust frightening. Sometimes I look at him, my heart swells with love and pride and joy and then I find myself catching my breath and saying “it won’t last like this.” I hate that the world has jaded me into thinking this way. I truly want to believe in us. I want my nieces and nephews and siblings to see that unconditional love can exist. It’s not always easy and it takes a lot of acceptance of each others shortcomings, but in the end, it can exist. But I will admit, I have my moments where I think “will they all be pointing and saying ‘we told you so?’ one day?” I sincerely hope not.

We are almost to the point of starting a family. I find myself overcome with joy at the idea of bringing a little person, some of me, some of him into our lives. I hope that this little person will have his eyes, his heart, his unbelievable capacity to see the best in people. I also fear that this could be the wedge that drives us apart. It’s what I’ve always heard “kids change everything.” No doubt they do. They make life much harder, but more joyful as well. When I find myself worrying about what having kids will do to our undeniably strong bond, I remind myself of what some said when we got married. “Everything changes once you say I Do.” They were right I guess…things got even better. But I don’t think that’s what those naysayers meant. I’ve heard “you’ll hate your first year of marriage.” Not so for me, I’ve loved every minute since I walked down that aisle as a married woman, arm-in-arm with my best friend. “Traveling with your spouse will be the hardest experience”. Well, as outlined above, I’ve obviously found that to be completely opposite of the truth. “You’re still happy because you are still newlyweds”. Well, we are coming up on 4 years together, 1year and 7 months of those married and I find myself possibly happier than ever. So, when I hear those little whisperings in my head that say “maybe having a kid will ruin everything” I will remember that we’ve proven them wrong. No doubt life will be more difficult as a family instead of a couple. But, I believe that with my best friend by my side we will come out happier than ever before.

So, I finally started reading a little gem of a book that a friend gave me for my birthday. It’s called “thin from within” and talks about making small changes that help you to change your lifestyle. One of the things the author suggests is that you take some time to say thanks for your meal before you eat it. Before any food you put in your mouth in fact. I’m not a praying person, but I did like the idea. It’s mostly about slowing down and saying to yourself “I’m going to eat this to help my body perform” rather than just mindlessly scarfing the food down. I used it today at lunch and it really did slow me down. I’m going to try and make it a habit.

Wow, it's been more than a month since I blogged. Weight is the same. 324.4 this morning. A good friend is considering weight loss surgery. I spent some time with my mom this weekend. I saw my very very pregnant sister this weekend. It has my mind churning.

Here's an email I wrote to the friend who's considering surgery. I think it sums up where I am right now.

"After we talked I went and got out my crafting supplies and a bunch of baby pictures of me and A. I made a bunch of signs that say "299" in big block letters and then I put a baby picture of A and a baby picture of me on each one. I hung one in the bathroom on the mirror, one in the laundry room (that's where my scale is), one on the fridge (cleaned everything else off the fridge so it'd be impossible to miss) and one in the pantry. They are about 6"x6" big. Then I also made one about the size of a dollar bill and put that in my wallet in front of my money. I made one the size of my credit card and put that in my wallet in front of my credit card. I plan to make one to put in my suitcase for my next trip (and probably bring tape to hang in on the door for when I leave my hotel room). I also had a long talk with A last night. I told him everything I had told you. Basically that I do not want to end up in the situation my mom is in and the longer I avoid surgery, the closer I come to being in her situation. If I am going to have the surgery I need to have it while I'm young rather than waiting until I'm in my 40's. So, I told him that the purpose of the signs is to remind me of my goal (299 is about a 26 pound loss) and of my main motivation (to have kids). I told him that if I don't make something happen then I am going to seriously evaluate the surgical route. He was completely supportive (of coures, I swear he's the best husband on earth) and said that he wants to start getting in shape again as well. Unfortunately between now and Christmas he's on a special project for work and has to leave the house by 6:15 so before work exercise together is not going to happen. But, we are both committed to focusing on maintaining during the rest of December and re-introducing exercise when we come home. Also, I'm committed to trying to work in at least 2 days of exercise next week before our trip.

I definitely have not ruled out surgery as a possible path for myself. I just want to give myself one more opportunity to prove to myself that I can do this. I'm concentrating on 299 because it is a doable goal and its not so overwhelming. 26 pounds is not even 10% of my body weight. If I can't make this happen for the sake of my future kids and my future self as a mom, then maybe surgery is the best route for me, you know? Right now, those little motivational tools are helping. When my stomach started growling at 10:15 I opened up my wallet and looked at one. I did the same thing before I walked into the cafeteria to buy my lunch. I hope that they do not lose their power and that I can make something happen. I do want to change my life."